Six political tidbits to tickle your funny bone
Verities & Balderdash
By Bob Robinson  
August 1, 2011 

As the world we’ve grown to know and love begins crashing around us, it behooves us to be positive and optimistic. We are, after all, inheritors of the greatest nation ever to exist on the face of the earth. 

While we face the challenges of keeping it that way, maybe it’s time to take a brief “time out” and look at the lighter side of things. 

One of the great things about the American people is their ability to laugh at themselves. So… enjoy! 

INVESTMENT ADVICE 

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today! 

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today. 

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today. 

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00. 

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. 

It is called the 401-Keg. 

And as a bonus... 

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41miles to the gallon! 

Makes you damned proud to be an American! 

GRANDCHILDREN ARE VERY SMART

I was eating lunch on the 20th of February with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?” 

She said, “It’s President’s Day!” 

She is a smart kid. 

I asked “What does President’s Day mean?” I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln... etc. 

She replied, “President’s Day is when President Obama steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.” 

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose. 

BREAKING NEWS!! 

To save the economy, in July 2011,  the government will start deporting old people  (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. 

I started crying when I thought of you. 

Run, you old Buzzard, Run!! 

Well... someone sent it to me and I ain’t going alone! 

GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRACY 

All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:  

Pythagorean theorem - 24 words.

Lord’s Prayer - 66 words.

Archimedes’ Principle - 67 words.

10 Commandments - 179 words.

Gettysburg Address - 286 words.

Declaration of Independence - 1,300 words.

US Constitution with all 27 Amendments - 7,818 words.

US Government regulations on sale of cabbage - 26,911 words. 

Sort of puts things into proper perspective, doesn’t it? 

GLOBAL WARMING 

From The Washington Post... 

The Arctic Ocean is warming up, icebergs are growing scarcer and in some places the seals are finding the water too hot, according to a report to the Commerce Department yesterday from Consulafft, at Bergen, Norway. Reports from fishermen, seal hunters and explorers all point to a radical change in climate conditions and hitherto unheard of temperatures in the Arctic zone. 

Exploration expeditions report that scarcely any ice has been met as far north as 81 degrees 29 minutes.  Soundings to a depth of 3,100 meters showed the gulf stream still very warm.  Great masses of ice have been replaced by moraines of earth and stones, the report continued, while at many points well known glaciers have entirely disappeared. 

Very few seals and no white fish are found in the eastern Arctic, while vast shoals of herring and smelts which have never before ventured so far north, are being encountered in the old seal fishing grounds.  Within a few years it is predicted that due to the ice melt the sea will rise and make most coastal cities uninhabitable. 

OOPS!  Never mind.  This report was from November 2, 1922, as reported by the Associated Press and published in the Washington Post 88 years ago. 

Must have been from Al Gore’s grandfather. 

POLITICAL SPIN 

No matter what side of the aisle you’re on, this is funny (well, it should be)! This email has been around the block several times, with a variety of political scapegoats... a while back with Bush Two, but most recently Nancy Pelosi and now Harry Reid. 

It just all depends on your perspective... 

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree... She discovered that Senator Harry Reid’s great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor. 

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory. 

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: ‘Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.’ 

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about his great-great uncle. 

Believe it or not, Harry Reid’s staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research: 

“Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.” 

That’s how it’s done, folks! It’s real political spin that has been part of American politics from the day our great country was born. 

God Bless America.