“Verity - the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash – nonsense.”
Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Think twice before messing with an oldster 

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. 

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.  

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. 

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, can you dance?” 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No son, I don’t dance... never really wanted to.” 

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now!” and started shooting at the old man’s feet.0 

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody standing around was laughing.00 

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. 

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. 

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. 

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12 gauge barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said; 

“Son, have you ever kissed a mule’s ass?” 

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir... but... but I’ve always wanted to.” 

There are a few lessons for all of us here: 

*Don’t be arrogant.

*Don’t waste ammunition.

*Whiskey makes you think you’re smarter than you are.

*Always make sure you know who is in control.

*And finally, don’t screw around with old folks; they didn’t get old by being stupid. 

I just love a story with a happy ending, don’t you? 

Saving the Economy 

To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. 

Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me ... oh, crap ... I’ll see you on the bus! 

A letter to the bank 

Dear Sir: 

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. 

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. 

I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. 

From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. 

My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. 

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope. 

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. 

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof. 

In due course, at my convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.00 

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. 

When you call me, press buttons as follows: 

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press (*) for English.000 

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. 

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year? 

Your Humble Client 

Post Script… Remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.