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Family Events...
Achy Breaky Family
By Marybeth Hicks

Last week we asked your advice on dealing with families that don’t insist their children use formal titles when speaking to adults, but instead allow them to call all adults by their first names. Family Events readers said:

Compromise. Most of the children of my friends, including my Sunday School students either call me “Aunt Mary” or “Miss Marry.” ~ Mary

I agree that children should not address adults by their first names. I did not allow my daughter to do this either. Such familiarity teaches children that they share an equal status with adutls and since the backgrounds, educational levels, accomplishments and ages are far greater for adults, children are simply not equal. Addressing adults by their first names teaches children not to respect adults. I think you are very wise not to allow this behavior in your children. —Kelly

Once a student called me Dude and I told her quite close to her face: “It is MRS. DUDE to you and I don’t want to hear that again.” —Susan

To the parents who would insist that my children call them by first names, I would say...when my children are [with you], you may have them call you whatever you like, but while they are in my care, they will address you as Mr., Miss or Mrs. “insert last name here”. If it costs me a friendship, so be it. I would rather lose a friendship with someone who wants to treat their 10 year old as an equal than lose my children to an undisciplined life. —AlanPaula

“When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses.” —Joyce Brothers

Billy Ray Cyrus has regrets

In a revealing interview for the upcoming edition of GQ Magazine, the actor/country music icon (for the mullet) shares his grief over the demise of his once-happy family and asserts that Disney’s “Hannah Montana” destroyed their lives.

Moreover, Billy Ray admits that he was a poor disciplinarian, and worst of all, that he sought to be his daughter’s friend, rather than a strong father. “How many interviews did I give and say, ‘You know what’s important between me and Miley is I try to be a friend to my kids’? I said it a lot. And sometimes I would even read other parents might say, ‘You don’t need to be a friend, you need to be a parent.’ Well, I’m the first guy to say to them right now: You were right.”

Now, what once appeared to be a close relationship is completely broken. Billy Ray and Miley apparently aren’t speaking, and her life is directed by Hollywood “handlers” who neither want nor welcome her father’s input or advice.

Meanwhile, the woman who ought to have been Billy Ray’s best friend – his wife, Tish – has moved on.

Any compassionate person can feel sorry for these folks, and I do to a point. It’s possible they really didn’t anticipate the profound impact that a wildly successful Disney career would have on their family. On the other hand, Billy Ray had been through the fame thing before (don’t pretend you can’t hum the tune to “Achy Breaky Heart”), and moreover, his interview indicates they understood when they moved to Los Angeles from Tennessee that they would need their faith as a shield against the influences of the culture.

Yet, somehow, the culture won out. Now, Billy Ray expresses his regret about taking the “Hannah Montana” opportunity, as though it was just something that landed in their laps unexpectedly. He wishes it never had “happened.”

Lessons they don’t teach on the Disney Channel

What can we take from the Cyrus family’s experience? Let’s be realistic -- their circumstances and attendant celebrity aren’t even remotely like our everyday, American lives. (Unless you’re booking your family portrait with famed photographer Annie Liebovitz!)

A couple of things come to my mind: First, be careful what you wish for because you may get it. Billy Ray and Tish Cyrus were raising a strong family back in Tennessee. They had all been baptized into the church. But they wanted fame and fortune and they sold out their family to get it.

We all need to keep our eyes on the right prize. The strongest of families aren’t necessarily the ones with the most money or the biggest houses or the most career success. In order to build a hedge of protection around our families, we often must sacrifice a measure of “success” that might endanger our relationships.

Secondly, we can’t wait until it’s too late to change course. Billy Ray admits in the GQ interview that he had lost control of his daughter and lost the essence of his family. Strong family leaders know when to fold the tent and circle the wagons. In their case, it might have meant walking away from Disney and all the glamour and financial success that was actually tearing them apart. In our lives, that might mean saying no to things that overload our schedules or create stress in our relationships.

Finally, Billy Ray learned the hard way that kids don’t need friendship from their parents, they need strong mothers and fathers who guard and protect them and who make wise choices on behalf of their families. Anyone can be a buddy to our kids, but playing the role of mom and dad is something only we can do.

Thanks for reading and sharing Family Events!

Take good care until next week,

Marybeth

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