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“Verity - the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash –
nonsense.”
Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary
Dead Horses and Live
Husbands
Verities & Balderdash
By Bob Robinson
One of the positives of the computer age is the unceasing flow of humor
and creative anecdotes you see when people have you on their email
lists. One of the negatives of the computer age is our growing
dependence on it.
One of the negatives of a representative government is its absolute
ineptitude in so many areas, especially regarding strategies for the
future (note the current deadlock in Washington). One of the positives
of a representative government is… is… uh, I’ll get back to you on that.
Note the latest “anecdote” regarding government strategy and see if it
applies…
Riding a Dead Horse
If you don’t understand this theory, you haven’t lived long enough. The
tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to dismount.”
However, in today’s government, education, and in parts of corporate
America, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
dead horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead
horse’s performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve
the dead horse’s performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is
less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes
substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other
horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And, of course,
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
However, I cannot, will not, put all the blame on government. After
all, don’t we elect those who “do things” on our behalf? Well, some of
them, anyway. We expect them to do the heavy lifting because we don’t
want to be bothered with it… note a not-too-ridiculous look into the
future of our blooming computer age…
Installing a Husband
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed
undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package,
while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears
6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that
application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically
run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the
Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law
1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize
control of all your system resources).
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
See you next time… your friend at Verities & Balderdash.
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