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Family Events...
Our kids must learn
to “give a little whistle...”
by Marybeth Hicks
“I’ve caught my teenage
daughter lying to me about minor things like whether she has finished
her homework or chores. Usually it’s small things that aren’t
significant. I know she’s just trying to avoid a lecture from me, so
I’ve let it go. Recently, she told me she was going to one friend’s
house but was really at another’s. It feels like she’s raising the
stakes with her dishonesty. How can I get her to stop lying to me?”
Marybeth...
Just before she magically drifts out the window and into the stars, the
Blue Fairy famously smiles at the affable Jiminy Cricket and then gives
a word of advice to Geppetto’s endearing little puppet.
“Now, remember, Pinocchio: be a good boy. And always let your
conscience be your guide.”
Of course, we all know what happens next. Temptations lead our wooden
hero down the wrong path. Before he can say, “Jiminy Cricket,” he’s
bound for Pleasure Island to make a “donkey” of himself.
Disney’s animated “Pinocchio” is one of my all-time favorite children’s
films. Unfortunately, it’s going back in the Disney “vault” on March 15
after two years of availability. If you don’t have a copy of it for
your family, you’d better buy one fast!
I fear this particular film has spent too much time in the vault
already. Its timeless and crucial messages about developing a
conscience and exhibiting good character haven’t been conveyed to
today’s youth, as they should.
How do we know?
Last month, the Josephson Institute on Ethics released the results of
its biennial study on the ethical habits of America’s teenagers. Once
again, the research finds our nation’s young people exhibit
“entrenched” habits of lying, cheating, and stealing. In the 2010
study, researchers also examined the issue of bullying and discovered
that half of the 43,321 students surveyed admitted they have bullied
someone in the past, while 43 percent have been victims of bullying.
It’s not an empathy
problem – it’s a character problem
I’ve followed the Josephson Institute research for several years and
have long maintained that the reason we see such a consistent, growing,
and disconcerting lack of ethical behavior is because we aren’t paying
enough attention to molding our children’s character. This is the crux
of the increase in bullying, as well.
Unfortunately, out of concern for the growing incidence of bullying,
the response has been to put even more focus on empathy and diversity
training in schools. I hate to be the one to say it, but this won’t
solve the problem.
Kids aren’t bullying because they lack empathy. They’re bullying
because they lack a conscience to make them feel guilty about being
cruel to others. It’s the same reason they also have no compunction
about lying, cheating or stealing.
All of these behaviors reflect the lack of an internal moral compass to
direct them toward what is right and good, and away from what’s bad and
wrong.
Exhibiting good character – that is, habitually doing what is right and
good – is a reflection of a well-developed conscience – that onboard
GPS guiding us to do the right things. Unlike learning to walk or talk,
developing a conscience doesn’t happen naturally. Rather, it takes
consistent input from parents to instill in a child a set of beliefs
about what is right and what is wrong.
Modeling good character is
not enough
Our kids won’t develop a conscience simply based on our model of good
character. That would be a bit like expecting a child to play excellent
tennis simply by watching a pro, but never giving him a tennis lesson.
Here are three important ways to get that inner GPS on board:
1. Use clear, moralistic vocabulary. Don’t hesitate to label behaviors
as good, bad, right and wrong. Use the words conscience and character.
Tell your child you are working on helping him to develop an “inner
GPS” to guide him toward the right things to do. And make it clear that
this is important to you – more important than any other aspect of his
development.
2. Look for teachable moments and never let one pass you by. Too often,
parents make excuses for a child’s “poor choices” (she’s tired,
stressed, hungry, etc), but when we do this, we’re sending kids the
message, “you don’t have to do what’s right all the time – only when
you’re feeling rested, relaxed, well-fed, etc.” Also, small
transgressions are crucial, because, for example, a child who fibs
about something insignificant will surely lie about something important
that could have unpleasant consequences.
3. Use literature and media to illustrate your lessons. From
“Pinocchio” to “iCarley” to “Harry Potter” and beyond, virtually every
story told to children contains a lesson of morality. OK, so sometimes
it’s a stretch to find it! But rather than be hijacked by media
examples that are bad, use them as examples of what you want your child
to avoid. And more than that, hunt down good examples. “Pinocchio” is
the gold standard!
Every child needs a Jiminy Cricket, guiding him toward moral, ethical
and respectful behavior. If they don’t know how to “give a little
whistle,” it may be time for a family “Pinocchio” screening!
Thanks for reading and sharing Family Events!
Take good care until next week,
Marybeth
Read it at Family Events
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