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Borowitz Report...
U.S. Sends Emergency Shipment of Negative Ads to Egypt
Aid to Fledgling Democracy

Editor’s note: This was sent to CNO by a reader. He also had a rebuttal to “Only in America.” The original reads as follows: 10) Only in America could the rich people who pay 86% of all income taxes be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all. The suggested revision reads as follows: 10) Only in America could the rich people who pay 86% of all income taxes complain about paying more when they already have over 90% of the nation’s wealth. That said... here’s the Borowitz Report. Enjoy.

CAIRO (The Borowitz Report) – In what it is calling a mission to support a fledgling democracy in the Middle East, the United States this week sent an emergency shipment of negative ads to Cairo.

Explaining the secret mission, a State Department official said that with its first democratic elections getting underway, “Egypt had no access to the mother’s milk of any working democracy: vicious campaign ads full of lies and distortions.”

Starting at dawn on Sunday, U.S. Army paratroopers descended on the Middle Eastern nation armed with pamphlets, flyers, and DVDs of TV ads full of libelous falsehoods about Egypt’s presidential candidates.

Harland Dorrinson, the U.S. Undersecretary of State for the Middle East, said teaching Egyptian politicians the basics of character assassination was “an important first step” in supporting democracy in Egypt, but stressed that “much work still needs to be done.”

“Right now, there’s no apparatus for major companies to funnel billions of dollars directly to political campaigns,” he said.  “Until corporations have total control over the outcome of elections, we won’t be able to say that Egypt has a functioning democracy like ours.”

But Mr. Dorrinson remained upbeat, saying he has seen early signs that democracy may be taking hold in Egypt: “Already, they’re calling one of the presidential candidates a Muslim.”

Elsewhere, a new study shows that congressmen speak English at a 10th grade level, which means that the U.S. is being governed by children who were left behind.

Read this and other articles at the Borowitz Report


 
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