Communication in Marriage
By Makayla Wilson
Communications 121
Edison Community College 

For my written term project, I decided to write about communication in marriage. What a lot of people don’t know about me is that my parents are divorced. Not many students at my school have experienced this themselves. They have been divorced for almost four years now. Since my parents are divorced, I have seen what no communication in a marriage causes and can lead to. Even though my parents are divorced, my father is re-married. I do not associate with my real mother. Therefore, I live with my father and step-mother full time and they have allowed me to see how you should communicate in marriage. They have also allowed me to see the positives that come out of communicating. 

In marriage, there is verbal communication, but there is also non-verbal communication. The definition of verbal communication is sending a message verbally to whoever is receiving the message. In the case of verbal communication, your spouse is the one who is receiving your messages. In a marriage, the two spouses need to communicate about things such as money, what they buy, children (if they have any), and what they are feeling or thinking. 

These are all things that don’t need to be kept as secrets or hidden from one another. When spouses start hiding things from one another, lying also starts. Lying is a very bad thing in marriage. Once your spouse lies to you, you begin to lose trust in them for everything. You begin not to believe anything they say. Once that starts happening, tension between the two spouses begins to occur. Once tension becomes so much, a lot of people either go to counseling to try to resolve the issues or just go straight to divorce. According to the one website I looked at, they say, “Frustration, mistrust, tension, and defensiveness can make this a source of great conflict.” (If Your Marriage…). I think this statement is so true. All of these can cause conflict that can lead to huge arguments. That is why I think spouses need to watch for these things; that way if they can occur, they can be addressed and fixed. 

Verbal Communication is a very important part in marriage. A lot of people don’t realize what not communicating can do to their relationship. Some personality traits of people in marriage can be mood changes. Your spouse may not want to talk about something. Keeping their problem in can lead to them being very grumpy or mad, and then they could possibly take it out on you. That’s why it needs to be expressed and/or solved before they become an even bigger problem that could have huge consequences. 

The other form of communication in marriage is non-verbal communication. This is usually understood as the process of communication through sending and receiving wordless cues between people. Some types of non-verbal communication are facial expressions, gestures, paralinguistic, body language, posture, and eye gaze (Cherry). Sometimes, these types of non-verbal communication can be taken the wrong way. I know this personally because I always get told my facial expressions are completely opposite of what I am feeling. For example, it can look like I am mad at the world, but usually I’m not. I’m usually just focused on something. This could eventually become a problem in marriage because my facial expressions could be taken the wrong way and cause tension or an argument. 

In one research article I read, the author said, “If you don’t know much about nonverbal communication, then it may be causing issues in your union without you even knowing about it.” (Don’t Let…). The author also says, “If couples don’t communicate properly, then they likely won’t have a good relationship that they enjoy being a part of.” (Don’t Let…). I think that this is most certainly true. Negative non-verbal communication and misinterpretation of the types of communication can lead to tension and arguments just as much as verbal communication can. I also believe that a person needs to be happy and enjoy being in their relationship. Tension or arguing all the time tends to lead your spouse, yourself, or both of you to not be happy in a relationship. 

Once people stop communicating, their marriage or relationship can begin to fall apart. There are some things you can do to save your marriage/relationship. One thing you can try is marriage counseling. When you go through marriage counseling, both of you have to want to make your relationship better, it just can’t be one person trying to make the relationship better. Something that is really important to talk about before going to counseling is to see where the person stands, how they feel, and if they are willing to work and try to move forward in the relationship (What Can I…). I also found that you can work on things between the two of you on your own, but you would be taking the risk of making things worse (What Can I…). 

Sometimes it is too late to save a relationship no matter how hard you try. Usually that is when you have gone through all your options to save the relationship and it still hasn’t improved. This is normally when people decide it is time for a divorce. Divorces are hard, especially if there are children involved. You both have to go through a lot trying to decide who gets what, having to change the billing of some stuff, and one spouse trying to find a place to live on short notice. If there are kids involved, then custody has to be decided by the courts and visitation with the other person. Divorce can also be hard on the children. It’s extremely hard when you have had your parents together for a long time, but with time it does get easier. You get in a routine, and then sometimes you don’t even think about what it was like for them to be together. At least that was my case. 

Overall, I do think communication in marriage is important. I don’t want to have to see children go through what I had to go through. Although it has made me a better person and I am so happy with my life now, it is not something I would wish to happen to someone. Seeing my dad go through a divorce and be in an unhappy marriage showed me how not to communicate in a marriage and how I don’t want my marriage to be. With him being re-married, he and my step-mom have showed me what it is like to be in a good, happy relationship. They have also showed me how important it is to have good communication skills and how to communicate with your spouse. I am so thankful for what they have shown and taught me.  

While some editing may have been done for grammar or clarity, the choice of topic and discussion in this and other Communication 121 student Term Projects is solely the result of the research completed by the student. Read the County News Online introduction for these papers here.