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Editor’s Note: Natalie Esarey is a Communications 121 student at Edison
Community College. This is a public speaking class. For one of her
speeches, she chose to talk about something she’s had to deal with, and
was still dealing with. She prefaced her class assignment by reading
this speech she gave to Rotary last spring. It was delivered during a
competition she learned about from her Supply Chain Management class at
Greenville High School. Read the story published earlier this week at
Bluebag Media to see where she is today in her battle against her
eating disorder.
A mental
illness all too common
By Natalie Esarey
Have you ever felt like a prisoner in your own mind? Or felt like your
biggest enemy was something living within you? They say “destroy what
destroys you” but what if that means destroying yourself? These are
questions one often wonders when living with a mental illness. At
least, in my experience with mental illness these were questions I
often asked myself. Now, looking at me you might wonder how I could
possibly be ill? But that’s the trickiest part of mental illness. On
the outside one might appear perfectly happy and healthy, while in
reality that person might actually be fighting for their life. If there
is one thing I’ve learned from my experience with mental illness, it is
to never judge a book by its cover because you never truly know what
type of inner battles someone might be fighting.
The mental illness I have been battling for the last year and a half is
one that it all too common. I have an eating disorder. Contrary to
popular belief, eating disorders are not a choice. They are diseases.
Fatal diseases if left untreated actually. Eating disorders are the
leading cause of death in mental illness. However, for some reason
there is a huge lack of awareness and understanding on the issue.
Throughout my journey with this illness I have been affected
tremendously by society’s lack of sensitivity. I have felt ashamed,
embarrassed, and worthless. For the longest time I was terrified to ask
for help. Not only was I afraid of what people would think, but I also
did not believe that I deserved help. After all, I chose this for
myself right? Wrong. It was never a choice. Sometimes people just get
sick and we do not know why. Just like when people fall ill to
diabetes, cancer, or any other illness. They are all horrible illnesses
that no one would choose for themselves. But for some reason society
associates shame with mental illness - especially eating disorders.
It is so hard for people to reach out for the help they deserve while
living in a world that views mental illness in such a shameful way. I
personally have been referred to as disgusting, attention seeking,
pathetic, and gross for my illness. I have also been the punch line of
many jokes– though I do not see the humor in having an eating disorder.
I am only one of eight million people in the United States who are
suffering from an eating disorder today, and there is nothing funny
about that. Out of those eight million, only one in ten people ever
receive help. Those who do receive help, do not usually get
adequate help and are often times sent home from treatment before they
are ready. Typically one month of treatment at an inpatient facility
cost 30,000 dollars, and the recommended amount of time spent at an
inpatient facility to receive adequate treatment is three to six
months. Outpatient treatment can cost 100,000 dollars or more for an
eating disorder patient to receive full and adequate treatment. I am
currently receiving outpatient treatment and it did not take long for
my family and me to realize that most insurance companies will not
cover the cost for treatment and if they do it is only a very small
fraction of the true cost. For some reason health insurance does not
cover eating disorders regardless of the high mortality rate that has
consistently been increasing each year.
Eating disorders are treatable. And with the right kind of treatment
people can beat their illnesses and live happy, healthy, normal lives.
But in the world we live in today too many people are afraid and
ashamed to get treatment. Not to mention they don’t want their families
to go broke spending money on treatment for an illness that insurance
will not cover and that society likes to make jokes out of. Now imagine
what could happen if awareness and knowledge on eating disorders spread
and if society began to understand mental illness rather than scoff at
those who suffer from it. If all of the negativity on mental illness
such as eating disorders was turned into positivity and support, it
could change the world. Innocent lives that are taken every single day
from this could and would, be saved.
This is why I finally found the courage to seek help. I spoke out. I
got tired of waiting for someone to come save me. Because the truth is,
I was the only one who could really save myself. I had to want to get
better and to believe I could get better. I got sick of waiting
for the world to tell me if I deserved to live or not. I had to decide
for myself that I wanted to live. I deserve life. And so does everyone
else. I am done waiting for a positive change to happen in this world.
Instead, I decided to be that change I was looking for. If by sharing
my story I can inspire even one person to seek help or help someone
they know, then it’s worth every struggle I’ve been through. I
hope that by sharing this with you, you will take away a new
perspective. And I encourage you to spread compassion and support. Even
the simplest acts of kindness could be what saves someone’s life. If I
would have realized how beautiful I was before all the madness in my
head snuck in, I might not be giving a speech on this topic right now.
If girls my age would have been focusing on all the reasons we loved
ourselves instead of pointing out all of our flaws and the flaws of
others, my hair might not be falling out in clumps like it is now. I
might not be at an increased rate for kidney failure, cardiac arrest,
or osteoporosis. If there would have been more awareness back then,
then my heart might not be beating irregularly like it is today. I
might not have nightmares every night. I might not spend every weekend
at treatment learning how to love and nourish myself again. I am only
one out of eight million of the sufferers in America going through a
similar situation today. Eating disorders are preventable. We can be
the difference this world needs. And to anyone battling an eating
disorder or any other mental illness for that matter, I want you to
know that it is not your fault. And that you are beautiful, and you are
loved. You are never alone. Mental illness is not a choice, but
recovery is. And you are worth it.
Is it the truth?
Yes. My story is 100% truthful, and the mortality rate of eating
disorders is unfortunately extremely high. It increases every year and
it will continue unless we make a change.
Is it fair to all concerned?
No. Eating disorders are in no way fair. They are not fair to those who
are suffering from them or the loved ones of those who suffer. Eating
disorders take innocent lives and there is nothing fair about that.
Will it build goodwill and friendships?
No. Unfortunately eating disorders become very isolating, very fast if
they are left untreated. They rob people of friendships and starve
their brains to the point where it is hard to even comprehend something
like goodwill. However, if people speak out and get help their lives
and personalities can be completely restored and even better
friendships and goodwill can be built.
Will it be beneficial to all concerned?
No. Eating disorders are not beneficial to anyone in anyway. Speaking
out and spreading awareness on the other hand, is beneficial to all
concerned. Eating disorders are isolating, debilitating, and viscous.
But we do not have to let them win. We do not have to live our lives
suffering from mental illnesses. At any time, we have the power to say
“this is not how my story is going to end.” We can speak out. Everyone
has the power to make a difference, but it is up to us whether or not
we use that power.
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