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“Verity
- the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash – nonsense.”
Miriam-Webster Online
Dictionary
Headlines from 2061
Verities & Balderdash
By Bob Robinson
I think I’ve seen this
before, but I don’t remember ever posting it… there’s something in it
for everyone… the headlines 50 years from now:
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh
largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as
Mexifornia's
third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and
livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10
more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No
other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but
President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2064.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces
mail
delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight
loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive
year in
Mexifornia and Floruba.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter
speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.
Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for
4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and
Fridays.
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
A Couple Finally Had Sexual Harmony;
they had simultaneous Headaches.
Average height of NBA players is now nine feet seven inches with
only 3
illegitimate children.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly
swatters
and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2062.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
Now, read this and pass it on to whomever you want and as many as you
want, then, guess
what… NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money,
absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile or be very very
scared.
I Love This Country! It's The Government That Scares Me! Stop organized
crime. Re-elect no one.
Florida Court Sets
Atheist Holy Day!
In Florida, an atheist created a case against Easter and Passover Holy
days. He hired an attorney to bring a discrimination case against
Christians and Jews and observances of their holy days. The argument
was that it was unfair that atheists had no such recognized days.
The case was brought before a judge. After listening to the passionate
presentation by the lawyer, the judge banged his gavel declaring, "Case
dismissed!"
The lawyer immediately stood objecting to the ruling saying, "Your
honor, How can you possibly dismiss this case? The Christians have
Christmas, Easter and others. The Jews have Passover, Yom Kippur
and Hanukkah, yet my client and all other atheists have no such
holidays..."
The judge leaned forward in his chair saying, "But you do. Your client,
counsel, is woefully ignorant."
The lawyer said, "Your Honor, we are unaware of any special observance
or holiday for atheists."
The judge said, "The calendar says April 1st is April Fools Day. Psalm
14:1 states, 'The fool says in his heart, there is no God.' Thus,
it is the opinion of this court, that, if your client says there is no
God, then he is a fool. Therefore, April 1st is his day.
“Court is adjourned..." You gotta love a Judge who knows his scripture!
And finally, a solution
to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports:
All we need to do is develop a booth that you can step into that will
NOT X-ray you, but WILL detonate any explosive device you may have
hidden on or in your body. The explosion will be contained within the
sealed booth. This would be a win-win for everyone. There would be no
racial profiling, nor discrimination, and the device would eliminate
long and expensive trials.
This is so simple that it's brilliant. I can see it now: you're in the
airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter
an announcement comes over the PA system:
"Attention standby passengers, we now have a seat available on flight
number..."
Remember, verities should be thought provoking; balderdash is nonsense.
See you next time.
Bob Robinson is the
retired editor of The Daily Advocate, Greenville, Ohio. If you wish to
receive a daily notification comments, opinions and reports from County
News Online, send your email address to: countynewsonline@gmail.com.
Feel free to express your views.
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