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Family Events...
Teaching self-control
a great summer exercise
By Marybeth Hicks
Here’s a moment in parenting I’ll never forget. I’m in the car, and my
delightful, exuberant, eldest child is keeping time to the song on the
radio by rhythmically thumping her foot on the back of the driver’s
seat. Gazing out the window, she hums along with the music while I
quickly come to a frustrated boil in front of her.
How often have I asked the kids not to kick the seats? Without taking
my eyes off the road, deftly I reach behind and snatch her ankle in my
hand, uttering the words she hears so often, “Please practice
self-control and stop kicking my seat.”
I couldn’t begin to guess how many times I gave the “self-control
speech” when my children were little — enough so that eventually I
would simply say things like, “Church is a place to practice...” and
four little voices in the back of the van would respond,
“self-control.” Did they understand the concept? Not entirely, except
that self-control meant sitting still. For me, in church, this was
enough.
This week the Duggar family appeared on television and shared their
method of training their children to sit still and remain quiet — to
practice self-control. Michelle explained clearly how at around 17
months, she begins the process of placing her toddler in a chair for
“sit time” and models what it means to sit still and to remain quiet.
She does this exercise three times a day for five minutes, and says
after about a week she can see the sense of accomplishment in her
little ones as they learn they can do it.
After she trains them in sit time, Michelle has a tool in the parenting
toolbox — she can ask her children to sit and remain quiet while
reading a book, while she gives her attention to another child or
another task in the home.
Considering the Duggers have 19 children, you’d think they would have
strategies like this to teach the behaviors they want and need from
their brood. But the truth is, that’s the sort of great parenting that
we all must do if we want to help our kids to grow and mature.
Now, we all know children are by nature pretty impulsive. Moreover,
children are motivated almost exclusively by their emotions because
they haven’t matured enough to subdue the impulse to blurt out or
demonstrate their feelings. In this state of immaturity, it seems to
them they have no choice but to behave in a way that reflects how they
feel. It’s maturity that teaches us all behavior is a choice, and
self-control is simply the muscle we flex when we choose to deny an
impulse.
As Michelle Dugger notes, self-control is easier taught to a young
child when the stakes are low -- like resisting the urge to wiggle in
church -- than it is to an older child, whose urges are the dangerous
kind — sex, drugs, drinking, gangs, violence, or even the force of his
own anger.
If we’re going to teach children to practice self-control, we have to
name it and define it in terms they understand. I used to explained
that lack of self-control is inconsiderate of others: If you’re in a
restaurant and you’re bouncing in your chair, the people around you
won’t enjoy their meals; if you’re mad at your sister and you haul off
and hit her, you’re only hurting her without solving the problem.
Self-control is what keeps you from doing these things.
If you never trained your kids in a formal way to sit still the way the
Duggers do, it’s not too late to catch up and the summer is a great
time to do it because you’ll be more able to carve out several minutes
each day to practice. And remember, when you’re modeling this behavior
for your kids, you get to sit down and be still, for just a few minutes
anyway. That sounds pretty nice!
Thanks for reading and sharing Family Events!
Take good care until next week,
Marybeth
Question of the Week: How important is it to you that your kids learn
to sit still or remain quiet? Do you think this is something you should
train children to do or do you believe they’ll learn to do this
naturally when they get older? What tips do you have to help parents
shake the wiggles out of their wee ones? Share the parenting wealth on
our Family Events Facebook page.
Read the answers from last week or share your tips at Family Events
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