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Family Events...
Are you living with
Attila the Teen?
By Marybeth Hicks
Usually, when I tell people that three of my four children are teens, I
get sympathetic smiles, along with the odd, “Bless your heart,” or
“Hang in there – it will be over soon.”
The truth? I don’t want it to be over! I’m having a blast navigating
the teen years with my children. In fact, I think too many parents set
themselves up for an unpleasant experience with teenagers, and sure
enough, they get it.
Here’s what I mean... when my eldest daughter (now 21) was nearing 13,
I heard lots of warnings from well-meaning friends. Some said, “You’ll
never know how dumb you are until you have a teenager.” Others
cautioned me to put on my emotional armor because teens say cruel and
insensitive things to their parents. One seasoned mom told me not to
worry because, “She’ll be 25 before you know it!”
The assumption: Rude is just “what teenagers do.”
Even parenting experts promote this notion, advising moms and dads to
expect back talk as a normal and necessary part of growing up. Here’s
what an online expert says about teens talking back:
“Independence is another reason for children talking back. As children
grow and become more independent, they have a need to assert more
control over their own lives. Talking back can be a way for children to
separate themselves from their parents... Kids need to talk back, but
they need ways to do it that aren’t disruptive to your relationship.”
Kids need to talk back? Really? And we need to help them do it in ways
that aren’t disruptive to our relationships?
In fact, the process of “individuation” (a fancy word for “growing up”)
ought to reveal greater maturity, the ability to focus attention
outwardly, and the capacity to control emotions and cope with
challenges, not a second round of the “terrible twos.”
Ironically, the philosophy about adolescence that accepts behaviors
such as rudeness, back talk, self-centeredness and condescension as
normal and age appropriate actually promotes immaturity and
emotionalism.
In other words, if we buy into this expectation about teenagers, we’re
likely to get exactly what we pay for.
Children meet us where we expect to find them
A truism about children’s behavior is: They tend to meet our
expectations. If, as they enter adolescence, we expect them to get
cranky, rude, disrespectful and disinterested in their relationships
with us, they’re likely to live up to that (low) standard of behavior.
Worse, we’re unlikely to demand anything better from them.
On the other hand, if we hold that bar up just a bit and let our kids
know that we have higher expectations for their behavior – even during
their hormonally charged adolescent years – we send the message, “I
understand you’re growing and trying to figure things out, but I have
confidence that you can behave in a way that I find acceptable and you
can be proud of.”
Of course, teenagers want control over their decisions and if we’re
doing our jobs as parents, we’re setting limits. There’s a natural
tension there that can lead to sparks.
But if we approach our children’s adolescent years with a positive
attitude and some clear guidelines, I guarantee this can be one of the
most enjoyable seasons of parenting.
Bust the myth of the teenaged monster
Despite those admonitions from more experienced parents and parenting
experts, I have always optimistically believed that my children and I
could chart a different course. And sure enough, we’ve busted the myth
that all children are destined to become “Attila the Teen.”
Here’s how:
1. Decide the “rude is normal” standard is unacceptable and communicate
it to your teen. How? Simply tell your children, “Rude is not normal.
It’s just rude.” Declare that you and your children aren’t going to
settle for less than the best you can be.
2. Let your children know that they are free to communicate
respectfully and advocate their point of view, but they are not free to
slam doors, yell, talk back, cuss, or scream “I hate you.” Those
behaviors indicate immaturity and won’t convince you that your teen is
ready for more freedom, privileges, input in decisions, etc. Mature,
polite communication instills parental confidence.
3. Give kids the chance to regroup. At our house, a Steve Martin-esque
“Excuuuuuse me?” sends the message that we’d like a change in attitude,
reflected in a more respectful tone of voice. If teens aren’t capable
of regrouping, let them know you’ll be available to talk further when
they’re able to be more respectful. (Never engage with an
over-emotional teen!)
4. Reward maturity and positive attitudes. Thank your teen for being
different from the “norm” and demonstrating courtesy and respect.
Whatever you do, don’t make jokes or roll your eyes with other parents
about the rough and tough teenage years. That’s the permission slip
that teens use to drop the bar and deliver the typical, tyrannical
teenage tirade (say that three times fast!). Instead, when parents make
cracks about how miserable their teens are, smile sweetly and say, “Not
at our house... we’re having a blast!”
Getting through the teen years can be a struggle. But if you expect the
best from your teens, you’ll usually get it!
Thanks for reading and sharing Family Events!
Take good care until next week,
Marybeth
Read this with the Question of the Week and Last Week’s Answers at Family Events
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