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Broke
Wife, Big City
The Truth About Cats and Dogs
By Aprill Brandon
Owning
a dog has a lot of benefits.
For instance, you will always know the precise moment the mail comes.
You are
always well aware of just how good your human food smells considering
it has
compelled your dog to crawl, military-style, across the floor until
they are
steathily hidden underneath the table. And you will always know ahead
of time
the answer to the question "What's that smell?"
But
perhaps most importantly,
owning a dog, at least in my case, has alerted me to the very important
fact
that I don't live in a quiet, little neighborhood like I thought. Oh,
no. I
apparently live in a place teeming with dangerous, unsavory characters.
Specifically, characters of the feline variety.
Yes,
there is a gang of cats
residing on my street, threatening the peace and quiet with all their
menacing
aloofness. And every single time I take my dog, Buffy, outside, a turf
war
explodes. For instance, yesterday we were walking to the park when
suddenly
Buffy turned into a bug-eyed, frothing-at-the-mouth lunatic and the
following
confrontation took place:
Buffy:
"Bark Bark!"
Random
cat:
"Hissssssss..."
Buffy:
"Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark!"
Random
cat:
"Hisssssssss..."
Buffy:
"BARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARKBARK!"
Random
cat: ...*saunters off
unnecessarily slow*
This
exchange, roughly translated,
goes something like this:
Buffy:
"I see you! Come here!
I want to chew on your head."
Random
cat: "You come here,
[BAD WORD]. I dare you."
Buffy:
"AH! I hate you! I'm
going to eat your face off!"
Random
cat: "Good [VERY BAD
WORD] luck with that, mouth-breather. P.S. Nice leash, loser."
Buffy:
"I WILL KILL YOU UNTIL
YOU'RE DEAD! AND THEN KILL YOU AGAIN!"
Random
cat: "Bored now."
It's
a well-documented fact that
dogs and cats don't get along, no matter how many "puppy and kitten
cuddling" Internet memes pop up on Facebook. But what I want to know
is,
when did this war start? How far back does it go? And what is the main
beef
these two have with each other?
Did
it all start with Noah's Ark?
Did maybe being in such close quarters for so long cause a dog and cat
to get
to know each other in the "Biblical" sense, thus resulting in an
offspring abomination now known as the Chihuahua and the two species
have been
fighting out of shame and guilt ever since?
Or
is it simply idealogical
differences? That cats don't view themselves as pets so much as
captives and so
they are continually plotting an insurrection against humans, which the
dogs
are constantly thwarting because they love being pets and having their
main
responsibilities be eating, sleeping and pooping?
Or
is it perhaps more of a
Hatfield-McCoy feud? Some hillbilly dog drunk on moonshine killed some
hillbilly cat and then the cat's relatives retaliated, killing that
dog's uncle
brother and so on and so on and the current hostilities stem from that?
Alas,
we mere humans will probably
never know the answer. That is, unless the cats are finally successful
with
their revolution and we suddenly find ourselves being forced to wear
sparkly
collars and make boom-boom in a sandbox.
Can’t
get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until
next week?
Check
out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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