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Broke Wife, Big City
'Twas a month before Christmas
By Aprill Brandon

'Twas a month before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except for my husband (who was hunting a mouse).

The traps were all placed in the kitchen with care
In the hopes that a dead rodent soon would be there.

I was nestled all snug in my bed
While visions of eggnog danced in my head

But Ryan in his PJ's, armed with those silly traps
Refused to stop 'til he won against those rats

When suddenly, BOOM! There arose such a clatter
I fell (gracefully) out of bed to see what was the matter

Away to the kitchen I stumbled all lady-like
(Cause sweatpants are always classy, am I right?)

Stumbling over discarded tools, never a good sign
I looked around to find that husband of mine

When what to my wondering eyes should appear
But him laying on the floor, on his face a big sneer

"I found him, babe! I have him caught under here!"
He declared, so happy his victory was near

But alas, the poor man was about to lose face
Because soon a half dozen more took its place

Now, look here Mighty! And you too, Minnie and Mickey!
And don't think I forgot you, the Brain and Pinkie!

You guys are all over, coming out of the walls
And I want to bash your stupid heads, bash away them all

Get the hell outta my house, you tiny ugly moles
You rejects of nature, you hamsters without souls

You've invaded our home for much, much too long
And the way you've invaded our life is just simply wrong

Because it's the same thing every single night
The scurrying and pawing happening just out of sight

And us laying in bed, seething at the thought
Of the havoc and ickiness you have wrought

And trust me, no lie, I used to feel bad for you
Buying humane traps and making much ado

About how your stupid little lives mattered too
A decision I have quickly come to rue

Because your eyes! How evil and so beady!
Your tails, ugh, so gross! Your motives how seedy!

Your stupid little mouths and your need to pee
Not to mention poop on every surface I can see

Thanks to you jerks I now compulsively clean
A habit now I don't think I'll ever ween

Going to Lady MacBeth lengths, until I've bloody hands
While you laugh and mock and take over the land

But while you have won the battles thus far
We'll win the war and rule like demonic czars

Turning our house into a mecca of death
Hunting you down like addicts looking for meth

Cause while you may have evaded all our tricks
Never taking the bait and getting your kicks

From outsmarting us and making us look daft
Live it up because, trust me, we'll have the last laugh

So forget poison and those glue traps as well
Because our next idea is downright next to swell

And I'm not lying when I say you'll be quite smitten
With the fact I'm going out and adopting a litter of kittens

Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?

Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/




 
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