|
|
The
views expressed
on this page are soley those of the author and do not
necessarily
represent the views of County News Online
|
 |
Broke Wife, Big City
Happy National
De-Hair Your Body Day
By Aprill Brandon
So, Valentine's Day is coming up. Or, as I like to call it for us
women, National De-Hair Your Entire Body Day.
Yes, every morning on February 14, or perhaps the night before (or for
those of us who are in longer-term relationships, five days before
followed by a brief shower inspection followed by the sentiment "screw
it, the stubble isn't that bad"), women across this great nation of
ours will waste countless hours and hard-earned money systematically
removing every single hair that is not in an approved zone on their
face or body.
To wit, hair on your head, your eyelashes and 70 percent of your
eyebrows are considered OK. Hair on your chin, upper lip, underarms,
legs, feet, majority of the pelvis and the 30 percent rest of your
eyebrows are not OK.
(And just as a reference point, here are all the approved hair zones on
men: Everywhere).
Now, I've always hated Valentine's Day. But it wasn't until recently I
think I pinpointed exactly why (I mean, other than the whole "it's a
horrific commercialization of a real sentiment created to make people
spend money on lame singing stuffed bears that their partner won't know
what to do with the other 364 days of the year and a faux holiday that
means you will spend two hours waiting for a seat at a stupid
restaurant neither one of you really wants to be at anyway surrounded
by other stupid couples who are pretending they want to be there too"
thing).
It's because Valentine's Day, by its very nature, expects me to be in a
romantic mood and looking good at all times that day. And looking good
means de-haired. And de-haired means I shave, tweeze, wax and bleach 80
percent of my face and body. And after that incredibly not fun ritual,
I'm supposed to be in a romantic mood. Except I'm not. Because
everything is stinging and I have a razor cut on my ankle that refuses
to stop bleeding and is currently filling my shoe up with blood. But
no, please, feed me another strawberry in front of the fireplace, jerk.
See what I mean? I hate this stupid day.
Of course, I can't blame all of this on Valentine's Day. We women are
expected to do these de-hairing rituals throughout the entire year. And
I, for one, think it's more than about time we really examine just how
ludicrus this whole thing is.
I mean, we're the only creatures on earth that expect this from our
female species. For instance, a male monkey doesn't tell his monkey
wife "Hey, there is no way in hell I'm ever going to do this, but I
really need you to take a sharp instrument and remove all the hair on
your legs every few days, m'kay?" A male dog doesn't expect his lady to
bleach the hair above her lip and pluck, one by painful one, a good
portion of the hair directly above her eyeballs. And I have yet to hear
of a male bear telling a female bear, "Hey, you know what would make
you much more attractive to me? If you cruelly ripped out a vast
majority of your body hair by its roots. Yeah. That'd be hot."
Not to mention, standards of beauty are always changing. Look at any
old painting. Chubby chicks were all the rage. And now we love the "I
haven't eaten in six years but also I'm toned" look. Having a a
sun-kissed "oh, I just got back from Cabo" tan was in for what seemed
like forever until "Jersey Shore" gave us a reality TV funhouse mirror
to look in and we all realized that no one looks good with an orange
skin tone. And you can't throw a pair of scissors these days without
hitting some woman who has burned all the pictures of her with the
"Rachel" haircut.
So, the only question left is, when is this trend going to die? When
can women run around in their natural, hairy state completely free and
uninhibited? And, dare I say, even considered sexy, hairy toes and all?
I say we ladies make a stand. Burn our Lady Bics and march on
Washington! The Million Hairy Ladies March! Damn the Wax! Save the
Follicles!
Because if we all do it, all stop removing our hair, all at the same
time, we can take away the stigma that generations of weird, hippie
chicks who have a pet chicken have given to the Free Hair Movement.
So who's with me!?! Huh!?! Because, trust me, you don't want me being
the poster child of this movement by myself. Cause when I don't
shave, I look like the love child of a hairy Persian man and a female
gorilla who has had testosterone injections.
Anyone?
Hello?
Guys?
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
|
|
|
|
