Broke Wife, Big City
The Pizza Principle
By Aprill Brandon 

You know, I often wonder what it'll be like when I'm old. You know, like, when I'm 35. 

Ha! I kid. Thirty-five is now the new 12. You're not technically old until 44. Everyone knows that. 

But seriously, I do often wonder how things will be when I'm in my 70's and I'm (hopefully) a grandmother to grandkids who are way less messed up than my actual kids. And they all gather around their Ninja Gammy (<-----trademarked) and ask "What was it like when you were young, Ninja Gammy?" 

"Well, kids, it was a simpler time, when Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg (now Snoop Spinx) was blasting from the 800-pound five-CD changer in my car trunk (remember, kids, always keep your mind on your money and your money on your mind) and we communicated via pagers, which were tiny machines that beeped to alert you someone wanted you to find a landline phone (which was a primative and barbaric form of the cell phone) no matter where you were so that you could call them back immediately so that they could inform you they needed a ride, and we had to walk 30 miles in the snow without shoes to let our best friend know what our status update was, and when we wanted to watch a TV show we had to wait until the actual day and time that the TV network broadcast it, and we were forced to write (by hand!) in the now mythical language of 'cursive'." 

And as if all that wasn't embarrassing enough, I still have to figure out how the hell I'm going to explain/justify MySpace and Gangnam Style to them. 

"There were bath salt zombie back then, children. What do you want from me?" 

See, the problem is that technology is simply moving too fast. For instance, I remember my grandma playing music on a record player while I was jamming to my cassette tapes (pieces of crap that always had to be fixed with a pencil, kids). But it wasn't a completely foreign concept to me. As a kid, my cousins had a toy record player that we used to play crappy kid's albums on. And even though we all had cordless phones (slightly less barbaric versions of cellphones, kids), we could all figure out how to use the rotary phone she had because the generation gap wasn't wider than the technology gap. 

But now...oi vey... 

Which brings me to the point of this post. Being the Smart Phone/Facebook/Twitter/Instagram addict that I am, I had an eye-opening experience just the other day that taught me a very valuable lesson about all this runaway technology we're living with today. 

Flashback Wavy Lines...Flashback Wavy Lines...Flashback Wavy Lines... 

It was just after New Years. My family was in town. Considering it was January in Boston, it was cold (which was confirmed by the 52 Instagram photos of thermometers in my feed). So we decided to take advantage of home delivery, the culinary technology break-through that made it possible for hot food to be delivered to your door (like in Star Trek: The Next Generation, only slower and without the whimsy). 

Considering there were five of us, we decided to go with pizza, the ultimate crowd pleaser and the least likely choice to result in a fist fight. 

Or so it would seem at first glance. 

Being that this was my territory, I clicked onto Foodler.com, my go-to magical food portal, an absolutely brilliant contribution to humanity that lets you type in your address and then tells you what restaurants deliver to your 'hood (complete with full menus for each eatery) and then LET'S YOU ORDER DIRECTLY FROM THE WEBSITE. I know I talk up toilet paper a lot as the best invention of all time (with the Snuggie as a close second), but seriously, I'd be willing to go back to leaves and/or our collective left hand in order to keep Foodler. 

The problem was, however, that the majority wanted Regina's pizza, which was not listed on Foodler. So, trying to be a good hostess, I Googled Regina's delivery. Found out they do deliver. Clicked on link. Was taken to a new Foodler-esque website. Started to order. Discovered I also had to set up an account, complete with username, password, password hint, security questions, personal info, mother's maiden name and itemized list of everyone I've ever had sex with. Decided to scrap that idea. Sooooo then.. 

Went directly to Regina's website. Discovered they had a tab for delivery. No menu listed. Had to create own pizza from list of 3,000 ingredients. Twenty minutes later (and 42 stitches later) we realized we cannot, as a family, create our own pizza unanimously (or at least, not without Thunderdome breaking out). Sooooo then... 

More Googling. More half-hearted attempts to create "accounts" on other third-party food delivery websites. More "your food will be delivered in approximately 3 hours and there will be a $652 delivery fee." 

And just when we thought all hope was lost and we'd be forced to eat leftover Christmas food that may or may not have gained conscienceness... 

Someone suggested, "Uh, why don't you just call the restaurant and order the pizza?" 

Ninety seconds later, the pizza was ordered. Ready in 15. Have a nice day. 

Lesson learned: Technology isn't simplifing our lives. It's simply making us stupid. 

So, just remember that, kids, when 30 years from now it takes you three hours to order a pizza via the Internet. 

And that's only if you can remember your password. 

Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?

Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/