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Broke
Wife, Big City
But white girls are always on a
diet, aren't they?
By Aprill Brandon
You
guys...I don't know. Is it just me or does this new year just
seem...I don't know...a bit lackluster? A bit blah?
I
mean, 2013? Thirteen itself is just a crappy number. Unlucky, even.
And was anyone happy when they turned 13? Of course not. You had acne
and hair
sprouting in weird places and were the very definition of awkward and
everyone
hated you because you were SUPER annoying.
Even
the end of the world Mayan prediction was a letdown, unable to
live up to the hype of Y2K.
Then
again, maybe it's just me. I'm just not feeling the bright, shiny
part of this bright, shiny new year. I couldn't even gather up the
energy to
make a resolution this year. Not even to lose weight, which, as a white
girl
born and bred in the Midwest, has been my standard Jan. 1 promise since
I was
four.
And,
come to think of it, maybe that's the problem.
See,
normally, this time of the year is downright magical. The time
when we women research and plan and empty our pantries full of junk and
buy
pills and powders and that yoga DVD which goes perfectly with the brand
new
cute yoga outfit we just bought and we write out our daily menu for the
next
two weeks based on the latest, trendy diet book we also just bought.
It's a
time of hope, the time when THIS diet seems like it actually IS the
answer to
our weight loss woes, unlike the 42 others that we've tried and failed
miserably at, and the time just before reality sets in and we'd stab a
three-legged, orphaned bunny just to get our hands on a piece of
chocolate
cake.
I
can't explain why the majority of us women love putting ourselves
through this year after year. But we do. To the tune of $600 trillion*
a year
for the diet industry. So there must be something enjoyable about it.
Even if
we have yet to figure out what that enjoyable element actually is.
*Figure
might not be accurate considering I just made it up on the
spot.
Not
to mention, we're encouraged by an endless parade of publications
putting out their health and fitness issues and Facebook and Twitter
feeds of
everyone talking about their new, amazing diet:
"Just
lost seven pounds on the leek soup diet!!! I've passed out
32 times but can totes fit in my skinny jeans!!! Jajajajaja!!!"
So
maybe I'm just feeling a bit left out. I have no desire to put
myself through all that again. It just seems like too much work for
something
that has a proven fail rate of 100 percent.
But,
I mean, if I can't get excited about a new diet, honestly what
else is there to live for?
Hmm...
then again, maybe I'm being too pessimistic. Maybe this is
actually a healthy step for me. Perhaps I've finally gotten to the age
where I
accept and love my body for what it is, muffin top and all.
Or
more likely, I've reached the pivotal point in my life where I've
subconsciously decided to just let myself go and start that muu-muu
collection
I'm always (kind of) joking about.
Either
way, I'm going to eat this pie. And not feel guilty.
Or
at least not as guilty as I'd usually feel.
Or
at the very least, feel guilty but then have another slice anyway
and then start planning my new diet for the start of 2014.
Can’t
get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until
next week?
Check
out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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