Broke Wife, Big City
10 Reasons Why Whatever You Got Your Mom For Mother's Day Isn't Good Enough
By Aprill Brandon 

1. You puked on her as a baby. Repeatedly. And I guarantee that at least once, she managed to catch your vomit in her bare hands when you got sick in public. 

2. That gerbil/bunny/kitty/puppy/fish/hamster/bird/ferret you just couldn't LIVE without? She's the reason it didn't die within three days. 

3. No matter how hard Dad or anybody else tried, they could never make your favorite meal quite like Mom did (and probably still does every time you come home). 

4. She gave up cigarettes, booze and caffeine for nine months (or more likely 7 and 1/2 months but still, that's a long time) just for you. 

5. You were a teenager at one point. Enough said. 

6. She went to every single one of your extracurricular activities. Every. Single. One. Even when you were the third carrot on the right and had no lines. 

7. You didn't call her NEARLY enough in college. And when you finally did, you were hungover. Hell, you probably don't call her nearly enough NOW.  

8. On average, from when you first learned to crawl to roughly age 25 for women and age 77 for men, you have almost accidentally killed yourself approximately five times a day (remember the Great Firework Disaster of '87?). You're the reason why people say "your mom used to be so pretty." 

9. When she said "this will hurt me more than it hurts you" in regards to shots, vaccines, and pouring alcohol over boo-boo knees, she was telling the truth. 

10. After hours of agonizing pain, she PUSHED you and your giant HEAD out of her lady parts. 

Now cancel that stupid basket made of fruit shaped to look like flowers and go get her something better. 

Something much, much better. 

Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?

Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/