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Broke Wife, Big City
Putting
on my mom jeans one
leg at a time
By Aprill Brandon
I’m not sure when it
started. And quite frankly, it took me by surprise. I mean, I had
always prided myself on having no life and thus was able to keep up
with such things. But somewhere between entering my 30’s and having
a baby, I became out of touch with pop culture.
Granted, it’s not like
I’m to the point where I’m wearing mom jeans and referring to
Jake Gyllenhaal as Jack Gypsypants yet. But it is to the point where
I’m getting a bit too comfortable with elastic bands and honestly
don’t know if it’s Tatum Channing or Channing Tatum.
And it’s bothering me.
I turned the E! network on
yesterday and there were three ads in a row for new reality shows
starring people I had never heard of and whose only credentials for
having their own reality show seemed to be they wore more makeup than
one would think would be possible on a human face (and this coming
from a woman who still piles on the black eyeliner like it’s 1996).
Worse yet, I’m so out of touch I couldn’t for the life of me
figure out why anyone would want to watch the lives of an anorexic
who had a kid with a dog’s name, a pregnant woman who said things
like “he put the P in the V,” and someone who was dating John
Cena (who I thought was Chantum Tanning until my husband corrected
me).
If someone held a gun to my
head and said they were going to pull the trigger unless I could tell
them the difference between Demi Lovato and Selena Gomez (both names,
by the way, I had to just Google to make sure I spelled them right),
my closed casket funeral would be imminent.
I can’t keep up with all
the superhero movie reboots, let alone all the movie remakes and
sequels (Tanner Chumming is making “Magic Mike 2”? I haven’t
even seen the first one yet!). I just found out what a “side chick”
is and only then because I used context clues from Facebook. And
trying to order a craft beer from an entire menu of craft beers gives
me a panic attack.
When did bands start having
12 members, one of whom is always playing the ukulele? And when did
they start having names that look like they were inspired by
refrigerator magnetic poetry kits? What the hell is kimchi and
kombucha and kale (and why is everyone taking pictures of them and
posting them on Instagram)? And why is everyone only dying the lower
two-thirds of their hair?
Sigh.
Look, I know what I sound
like. But it’s not like I didn’t try to keep up. I did. I forced
myself to watch MTV until an episode of “Teen Mom 2” made blood
start spurting from my eyeballs. And I started following hipster
Twitter accounts until my phone committed suicide after having to
navigate through one too many selfies taken in front of a food truck.
I even tried becoming friends with a 22-year-old, which unfortunately
ended when she described the situation in Crimea as “so random”
and I was forced to punch her in the throat.
So eventually I had to give
up. No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t keep up with what’s
“cool” or whatever the kids are saying these days (“kimchi?”),
anymore.
Must be the circle of life
and junk, I suppose. Time for me to step aside and let the younger
generation dictate the trends, even if those trends are stupid and
involve wearing leggings as pants.
As for me, I’m just going
to sit back and enjoy this new phase of my life, watching Cracker
Taylor’s movies on my own terms.
Terms that will most likely
include sweatpants and non-craft beer.
Can’t get enough of
Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at
http://aprillbrandon.com/
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