From the Other Side of the Edge….
C’ mon, …If you can’t Use your Hands, …then it’s not a Real Sport !!
By Joe Facinoli

What’s with all this phony “soccer hype” that’s going on right now, in this country??

All over ESPN, and on bored sports blogs, …and at bars and restaurants (that work for profit, not for some overblown passion), always on the lookout for a new and different reason, to attract a drunken sports crowd into their place ??

It sure ain’t for “Love of the Game”, …and it’s damn sure not for understanding of that silly game!!

I mean, C’MON !! To be a “real sport”, you gotta be able to use your hands!!

We have opposable thumbs, for God’s sake!! And hands are the greatest invention, and most useful tools, …ever !!

So why’d we think it was such a great idea, to make up some pastime that doesn’t allow us to take advantage of these, oh so handy appendages??

And I’d like to see the World Cup’s ratings during late January, when the NFL playoffs are in full swing. There’d be about 12 Americans tuning in then, …and half of them would jump ship, on Super Bowl day!

Or in October and November, while the MLB (Major League Baseball) playoffs and the World Series are under way. They might get double the number of viewers, then, …maybe even a hundred, …yip-peee!

Just not enough scoring. And not enough action, which leads to scoring, to satisfy the “real” Red, White, and Blue sports fans.

Americans can only appreciate “art, for art’s sake”, for so long. After that, it’s off to the Monster Truck Finals, or the MMA, or even catching a massive pile-up at Talladega, …if one of our “major” (and real) sports is not in season.

No, …if you pinch an American who’s a fan of “real” sports, in the middle of the night, they’ll have a few choice comments and questions, about this trifling “activity”.

The one the rest of the world tries to foist off on us as legitimate, only because they couldn’t come up with any of the really good sports, …that we thought of first.

For instance, …what is “nothing/nothing” (oh excuse me, …that should be “nil/nil”) ???

That’s not a score, …that’s what you and a friend have left, …after a bad weekend in Vegas !!!

“Real” Sports have real scores, …with numbers in them, …not zeroes on both sides.

And when you lose, …YOU LOSE !!!

None of this counting up the goals (if there are any), from a completely separate game, with their degree of difficulty, multiplied by the differential of mid-field headers, divided by the home field discount, and figuring in the punitive allowance for more yellow and red cards issued, by non-European referees !!

PLEASE !!!

Just play the Game !!! If the teams’ won/loss records are tied, here’s a novel thought, …play more games !!

Or have less teams, or start the tournament earlier, or something else, other than this bad imitation, of a “real” sport.

When you need an accountant, to figure out who advances in a Soccer tournament (and it’s soccer, not football, …that’s OUR game), then it’s time for a new and different, and “real” sport to root for.

MLB teams play 162 games in their season. If they’re tied after that, what do they do, to decide who goes to the playoffs? They play more games!!!

And btw, a field is FIELD, …it’s not a “pitch” ! That’s only in baseball. (Who comes up with this stuff ???)

To be fair, Pro Football does the same trickery as Soccer, to determine team tie-breakers, at the end of their season.

But they absolutely destroy each other for 16 games every year, and couldn’t possibly play more games, not if they want any players to be left.

Soccer, on the other hand, can play triple-headers, five days a week, and who could tell the difference? Those idiotic “non”-scores certainly wouldn’t be effected!

A bunch a marathon runners, with fancy dance steps, who can run all day, …no problem

Soccer is an art. Or a specialized activity. But sorry, it’s not a “real” sport.

If you can’t use your hands, while playing a game with a ball or a puck, then it doesn’t count as one.

What other “real” sport, penalizes you for using your hands?? Uh, …that would be: NONE !!

And don’t tell me about Track, because at least they call it what it is: Running, …and having no other goal in mind (pun intended), other than getting to the finish line first. That’s called a “race”, and it has its own purpose.

Oh, …a random thought: If hands aren’t to be used by the other players, why then, can the goalie use his??

Doesn’t seem fair, or right, …too big an advantage there. But common sense wasn’t a very large part of it, when they thought this one up.

Continuing on, why are “hands” ok for a throw in, from out of bounds? Seems to me, if you’re going to have a stupid rule, especially one so limiting, and so basic, …then at least be consistent!

And what’s this “offsides” nonsense, all about ??

Every “real” sport allows “cherry picking”, or “homerun/hero” sorts of plays. Defense lets down, or gets fooled, …and bingo!! Other team scores, …and quickly. Crowd loves it!

But not Soccer, …oh no, no, noooo !!

In this fraud of a sport, if the team with the ball gets past the other team’s defenders, the refs blow the whistle, and not only do they let those slackers on “D” catch up, …but they also give them the ball !!!!

What ??!!! Who made this up ??

Most likely, someone who doesn’t enjoy (nor understand) winning, or who would do anything NOT to have someone else lose, …at anything !!

Probably Democrats, and probably from NYC, or Boston, or Maryland, or of course, DC.

And another thing: the end of the game Tie Breaker procedure!

What’s that ??!!

After playing their lungs out for 90 minutes, then an additional 30 in overtime, they go to a “Punt, Pass, and Kick” format, to decide who gets to advance, or hold the trophy!!???

Really ???

That would be like baseball having a “Home Run Derby”, after say, the 12th inning, to find the winner.

And basketball could have a 3 point shooting contest, at the end of tie games. Or half court shots would be fun, and just as irrelevant as PK’s, in soccer.

Golf could use sand saves, and football might go with “Hail Mary” passes, if we really wanted to ruin these good things.

I could go on and on, in this crazy vane (that soccer started), but you get the point.

If you’re going to play the game, …then play the game. Until someone wins. And on the field of play, by the same rules, …not by some trick play, …or some CPA’s Excel stat sheet.

Does that just about cover all the basics, in this (thankfully) one of a kind, over the moon, nonsensical absurdity, …of a fake sport ??

Good. ‘Cuz other than that, …I just LOVE me some soccer!

Soccer = Insomnia Cure.

And paint dries faster, than any score ever happens, down on that “pitch” (and is probably more exciting to watch).

Yeah, …a lot of Americans think they love soccer. (And love rooting for the good ol’ USA, …USA, …USA !!!!

But they are the same crazies (some of them real patriots), who could watch two cars leaving a Walmart parking lot, and yell and scream for the one with the American flag on its bumper, to beat the other one out of that lot, and get onto the main drag first.

And probably throw rocks at the “non” American car, …while justifying it, completely. Doesn’t take much, for that group.

We’re starved for competition, most of us, …and that’s the duplicity of this.

Of Soccer, …and of the World Cup.

The fans are rabid and crazy, but ironically, there’s really not that much going on in these games, from an “American” point of view.

Just a bunch of drama queens, and ballet dancers (and carnivores), chasing around after some ball that most often has no hope of ever finding its intended target.


Nothing that a good “over the fence catch”, …or behind the back pass, to a “two-handed” slam dunk, …or leaping end zone grab, behind the whole defense, …wouldn’t cure.

Love me some “Futbol”.

Joe Facinoli
--Joe can be reached at: joefacinoli@gmail.com
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© Copyright 2014, Joe Facinoli