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Broke Wife, Big City
Do your ears
hang low?
By Aprill Brandon
When I was a kid, I had a penpal. Even better, it was a FOREIGN penpal.
Every day after school, I'd run to the mailbox, quivering with
anticipation, to see whether Penelope's letter had arrived from exotic
Canada (where they put gravy on their French fries ... GRAVY).
In fact, there were days I was so excited, I'd sit outside and actually
wait for the mailman to come.
Unfortunately, as I grew older, my enthusiasm for my daily trips to the
mailbox significantly waned, as letters from the teeming metropolis of
Windsor (They have casinos! And Tim Horton's!) were replaced with
bills, credit card offers that would only result in more bills and
discreet offers for discount Viagra, addressed to one Mr. Brandon
Aprill.
That is, save for 12 days every year. As the middle of each month
approaches, that old excited feeling comes back as I wait for my
fashion magazines to come in.
Yes, just like so many other women, I love looking at things I'll
never, ever be able to afford worn by women who I will never, ever look
like as they frolic in exotic locales I'll never, ever be able to
pronounce. And the latest issues did not let me down. As I flipped
through the colorful pages of Chanel ads and coverage of Mrs. Snooty
Von Uppity's fabulous party, I was transported into another world for a
few hours; a world where the dishes didn't need to be done and the dog
hadn't just hacked up some weird green liquid on the carpet.
But then something stopped me short. Nestled in between an ad for
Olay's Regenerist cream and some scary-looking device called
"Clarisonic," was an article on a woman who was on a quest to reverse
the signs of aging.
Ahem ... that is, reverse the signs of aging on her ears.
Oh yes, you read that right. Apparently, this woman was distraught over
the fact her droopy and sun-damaged earlobes gave away her age. She
even talked to a dermatologist, who told her that Juvederm injections
could make them plump and young-looking again and that if she had
plastic surgery to fix their droop, they'd be, and I quote, "cuter and
perkier."
Now, when it comes to aging, I'm pretty much a realist. For instance, I
was already prepared for what happens to your body after childbirth,
considering every mother I've ever known had told me, rather ominously
(and in a weird stage whisper), that things "shift" after having a
baby.
Considering my inherent and instinctual human fear of poison, I also
realize wrinkles are a big part of my future, since I avoid potentially
deadly injectables like Botox like ... well, poison.
Thanks to overhearing one too many detailed conversations between my
mother and my aunts, I'm also prepared for the day I eventually have to
pluck the dark, thick hairs from my chin. And I know that studies have
shown that once a woman is over the age of 40, they need to exercise at
least an hour a day just to maintain their weight. Thus, I fully intend
to come to grips with the fact that having a muumuu as my standard
"look" is in my future.
So, overall, I am ready for the day my body becomes a bearded, sagging,
chubby, wrinkled, tent dress-wearing shell of its former self.
But now they're telling me I have to worry about my freaking ears aging
as well? That body part I wouldn't even know was there if it wasn't for
earrings? I mean, I can honestly say that I've thought more about my
pancreas than my ears.
And judging by the article, it's already too late for me. I'm in my
30s. Practically dead. Why, here in a couple of years, my wrinkled ears
will be dragging the ground, causing young children, with their much
cuter and perkier ears, to point and stare in horror.
It's just all too much. Our culture is absolutely obsessed with looking
young. And while it used to be the company line that prevention is the
best weapon you can use in the fight against aging, (making us all
religiously slather on the sunscreen and use our rent money to buy
French-sounding elixirs chock full of magical acai berry "essence")
apparently in this day and age, if you haven't started using
anti-wrinkle cream in-utero and putting sunscreen on your ears as soon
as you exit the womb, you're destined to end up looking like Andy
Rooney by age 35.
Is it so horrible to look 40 when you're actually 40? To realize that
wrinkles and scars and hair growing in random places is all just a
natural part of aging?
Can't I just let my ears hang low and wobble to and fro? I'll even
throw 'em over my shoulder like a continental soldier to let you kids
with your non-droopy lobes pass by without having to step on them.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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