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Broke Wife, Big City
Oh my gourd,
she murdered a pumpkin
By Aprill Brandon
I was 33 when I murdered and mutilated the dead body of my first
pumpkin.
I know. I know. How did I ever manage to make it this far in my life
without committing veggiecide? I mean, ripping out the slimy entrails
of innocent gourds is practically a rite of passage in this country.
Even kindergartners are handed a knife and told to stab a pumpkin in
the face.
Well, it’s a long story, kids. One that I’m probably going to make even
longer because my editor wants at least 800 words.
It all started with my childhood…
(flashback wavy lines, flashback wavy lines, flashback wavy lines)
When I was a kid, I wasn’t allowed to go trick-or-treating. This had
less to do with child abuse (as I VERY vocally insisted to my mother
back then) then (as I realize now) it had to do with the time period.
See, back in the early ancient period known as the ‘80s, everyone was
afraid that 1. all teenagers were involved in satanic cults and 2.
those satanic cults spent all their time stuffing razor blades into
mini Kit Kat bars. Add on top of that the fact that most of my extended
family felt Halloween glorified the Devil and I lived in a place where
non-working tractors outnumbered people four-to-one (making for quite a
long hike just to score some free yet probably non-name brand candy),
and you have the perfect recipe for a Halloween-less youth.
Not that I was completely deprived. My aunt threw a great party every
year on the night before Halloween, complete with costumes, bobbing for
apples and big piles of razorblade-free candy. We just couldn’t call it
a Halloween party. Because it wasn’t. Because Satan is always watching.
And there was one year when I was a teenager that I did actually go
trick-or-treating. But that was really just more of an excuse for 11 of
us to jump into a completely unsafe car while in costume and drive
around while smoking cigarettes and sharing a bottle of Boone’s Farm
(which tasted like gasoline and haunted watermelons). I did also
attempt during this time period to participate in that other
time-honored Halloween tradition, the haunted house, but at the first
sign of a chainsaw I threw up my hands, yelled “NOPE!” and sprinted
back to the car.
As I got older, I spent a few years doing the “get drunk at a bar while
wearing a costume that would make your feminist grandmother cry”
Halloween tradition. I also would dress in “costume” for work, but
usually only as a gypsy or Amy Winehouse since neither required me to
really change my hair. Or my outfit. Or the amount of eyeliner I
usually wore.
So, as you can see, my relationship with Halloween has been spotty at
best. Which is why I probably never decorated my house for the holiday,
inside or out. And why I haven’t worn a costume the past few years
(unless you count my standard “Gypsy Amy Winehoue” everyday look). And
why I quickly lose my enthusiasm for handing out candy to
trick-or-treaters.
“Oh look, another Iron Man and Elsa from ‘Frozen.’ How original. Take
your Snickers and go. You disgust me.”
But now…well, now I’m a parent. And that has made all the difference
this year. Suddenly I’m all in the holiday spirit, like the love child
of Martha Stewart and Elvira.
Which is how I came to commit my first veggiecide. A task I took a bit
too much glee in judging from the horrified look on my husband’s face.
“Hey honey, could you maybe not laugh maniacally while holding that
giant knife and pulling out the pumpkin guts. It’s…uh…it’s creeping me
out, babe.”
I’m even finally using the Halloween kitchen towels my mother-in-law
got me years ago. I mean, I use them the rest of the year too. (What?
Suddenly I’m a Rockefeller who can afford enough kitchen towels to not
use the seasonal ones year-round?) But I’m using them now too. On
purpose.
And, best of all, I already bought my son his costume (a baby chicken
outfit because 1. it was on sale and 2. we want to save the Chucky
costume for next year when he can walk and hold a bloody knife better)
and plan to take him for his first trick-or-treat outing at what his
dad calls “my work’s Halloween thingy event for children or something.”
Yes, I must say, making up for all that lost time has me downright
giddy and we still have a week to go until the big day. In fact, I may
even dress up in costume this year. As Zombie Gypsy Amy Winehouse.
Which won’t even require makeup since I haven’t had a full night’s
sleep since my son was born.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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