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Broke Wife, Big City
Unfortunately,
based on a true story
By Aprill Brandon
Hey kids! You know how you can’t WAIT to become an adult and do all the
COOL stuff that only adults get to do? Like:
EAT ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST!
OWN 12 PUPPIES!
STAY UP ALL NIGHT!
Well, children, ice cream gives you heart disease, puppies eventually
grow old and lose bladder control and insomnia gives you wrinkles.
And now, Auntie Aprill wants to tell you another super fun story about
some other cool stuff you get to do as an adult. I like to call it “The
Princess With the Out-of-State License.”
Once upon a time, there was a princess who had moved to a kingdom far
away. But being a fairly lazy princess, she waited a little too long to
replace her driver’s license with the Far Away license. So when it came
time to renew her auto insurance, the evil step-insurance agent said
“Princess, we can’t renew your policy until you get a Far Away
license,” and then laughed an evil laugh.
So, the princess drove her “technically” un-insured car all the way
into the bowels of Hell, also known as the Department of Motor
Vehicles. And it was there she was told by the horned devil, also known
as a DMV employee, that “Princess, we can’t give you a Far Away
driver’s license until you have proof of insurance,” and then laughed
an even evil-er laugh.
The princess, trying to remain in good spirits and not chew through her
seatbelt in utter frustration, returned to the evil step-insurance
agent and told them what the horned devil had told her. And then do you
know what happened, kids? That’s right! The evil step-insurance agent
said, “I’m very sorry, princess, but we simply can’t give you insurance
until you have a Far Away license.”
Now, my lovelies, do you see the problem with this scenario? You do!
Well, good for you! Because apparently the cross-eyed trolls at both
these institutions did not. So finally, the princess told the evil
step-insurance agent “Well, lady, something’s gotta give. Else I will
be stuck in your office forever because I can’t drive anywhere.”
Luckily, the evil step-insurance agent finally relented and agreed to
give the princess proof of insurance under the condition she
immediately return and show them her new license. So the princess drove
back to the bowels of Hell, stood in line for 43 hours and then finally
went through the ass-numbingly dull process of getting her license. But
just when she thought her epic journey was at an end, the horned devil
behind the counter said, “That will be $62.50.” As the princess whipped
out her debit card, the horned devil added, “Sorry, we only take cash.”
“You didn’t feel the need to mention to this earlier?” the princess
asked.
“Nope.”
“What about a check?”
“Nope.”
“OK, well, let me drive to the ATM really quickly. Can I have my
original license back?”
“Sorry, princess, I can’t do that. Once you turn it in, I can’t give it
back.”
“Can you give me the new Far Away license then?”
“Nope. Not until you pay.”
Kids, do you see the problem with this scenario? You do! Good for you!
Because once again, they did not.
And so, the princess said “Well, lady, something’s gotta give. Else I’m
stuck here forever and I’m about two seconds away from re-enacting that
scene in ‘Terms of Endearment’ where the mom really wants the nurse to
give her daughter the drugs.”
Luckily, the horned devil let her run to the ATM real quick in order to
get $62.50 in cash after discussing it with Trooper Gary, who said
“Whatever. Just don’t kill anyone. I’m on break.”
And they all lived happily ever after.
Ha! Kidding. But at least that particular bureaucratic nightmare was
over.
And the moral of this story, kids? Don’t ever grow up. And if you do,
don’t ever buy a car, move to another state, travel or drive. Just
become a hermit. In the woods. Far away from civilization.
Just make sure you fill out Cave Dwelling and Advance Beard Growth
Permit Form No. 9073 first.
In triplicate, please.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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