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Broke Wife, Big City
The 12 things I
learned the first 12 months of my baby’s life
By Aprill Brandon
1. No matter how many times you check to make sure your baby is still
breathing while he’s sleeping, you will still need to check one more
time. And then, just to be safe, one more time after that.
2. Babies are born with the mistaken idea that diapers grow on trees.
Which is why they think it’s totally cool to immediately poop the
second they get a fresh diaper velcroed to their tooshie. Hey man,
don’t sweat it. Mommy can just run out to the diaper tree in the
backyard and pluck a fresh one. Which I will also immediately poop on.
Because diapers are plentiful and free, dude.
3. Vegetables truly are the worst. Human beings were never meant to eat
them. Because if they were, babies (who have very little to compare
them too and haven’t even TRIED cheeseburgers yet) wouldn’t spit peas
out with the speed and accuracy of an AK-47.
4. Newborn babies like to cry between 7-8:30 p.m. for no other
discernible reason than they never want you to watch TV again. Which is
why moms are always out of touch with pop culture and call celebrities
by wacky monikers such as Jack Gypsypants and The Girl Who Looks Like
She Smells Bad And Is In All Those Vampire Movies.
5. The only people who can successful swaddle a kid are wizards and my
cousin Andrea. And I’m pretty sure Andrea is a wizard anyway.
6. Babies don’t care if you lose the baby weight or if you have makeup
on or even if you smell like a dead weasel carcass. They just want a
nice, warm, soft place to vomit on.
7. Children will think it is absolutely hilarious for you to gently
throw a big rubber ball at their face for exactly six times in a row.
The seventh time they will give you a look that says “Mommy, why would
you hurt me?” and immediately start crying hysterically.
8. You’re only as good as your last game of peek-a-boo. Babies know
when you’re phoning it in.
9. Cheerios taste better when they’ve been hiding under the couch for
eight days and have a nice dust bunny coating on them.
10. Babies spelled backwards is Seibab. There really is no point in me
telling you that other than to demonstrate how child-induced sleep
deprivation makes you very, very stupid.
11. The only thing more joyous and wonderful than looking deep into
your baby’s beautiful eyes is looking deep into your baby’s beautiful
eyes while the babysitter is holding them and you are halfway out the
door already.
12. It’s never going to be about you again. And you wouldn’t want it
any other way.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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