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Broke Wife, Big City
Napper’s Delight
By Aprill Brandon
Guys. GUYS. My baby napped in his crib.
No. No, you don’t understand.
My baby.
Napped.
In his crib.
For one glorious hour and seven minutes (and 46 seconds, but who’s
counting), my child slept in the daytime in the actual space that is
specifically and scientifically designed for just such a purpose. As
opposed to where he has taken every other single nap of his entire
short life, which was in my arms (or his father’s arms, or his
grandparents’ arms or that hobo’s arms that one time I REALLY had to
pee in a sketchy Starbucks).
Not that I didn’t try to get him to nap in his crib. I did. I do. All
the time. However, it always ends the same way: Both of us curled up in
the fetal positon crying.
But this time, I don’t know if it was a fluke or maybe he was just
really tired that day or if it’s that he’s finally old enough to
realize that the crib is actually his bed and not the Sarlacc from Star
Wars. But he slept. And after only 11 minutes of “my mother abandoned
me and I’m going to die” level crying.
So what did I do with that one hour and seven minutes and 46 seconds,
you ask? Well, you know that “Flight of the Bumblebee” song? Yeah, have
that running through your head as you read the following.
First things first, I ran to the bathroom to grab the nail trimmer!
Where I clipped four out of the ten gnarly hermit nails I had been
wanting to trim since March! Before remembering I had to do laundry!
Because I was down to my pregnancy underwear that I had to safety pin
to my pants so they didn’t fall down! So I ran to the bedroom to start
sorting my giant mountain of clothes! Which I did for 2.5 minutes
before remembering I could actually eat something for once without a
tiny human being clawing at my legs! So I ran to the kitchen and opened
the fridge! Just basking in the glow of the refrigerator light and the
knowledge that I could eat whatever I wanted and not just grab the
first convenient thing I saw, which was usually something disgusting,
like two-week-old Chinese food or celery!
Before I could eat though, I realized I could finally read the Sunday
newspaper! Even though it was Tuesday! And the newspaper was from three
weeks ago! But first, I wanted to make more coffee! Because I would
need more caffeine to do all the things! All. The. Things! Ooh, coffee
and the newspaper! AND A BISCOTTI! I needed a biscotti too! But we
didn’t have any! I could run out and get some! Oh wait! No I can’t! My
kid is just napping! Still needs an adult present! Oh well! Wait, what
was I doing!?
A book! I could finally read one of my books languishing on my
nightstand! But which one!? Oh, but first I should shower! NO! A bath!
Oh my god, a bath! I miss baths! And then I could read my book in the
tub with my coffee and biscotti! Oh yeah, I was making coffee! Where
are the filters!? I can finally shave my Sasquatch legs and use that
fancy sugar scrub!
Cookies!!! We don’t have biscotti but I could make cookies! Wait, why
do my nails look weird? Oh yeah, I didn’t finish trimming them! I could
do that while I finally start watching “Twin Peaks” on Netflix! Right
after I call everyone I’ve ever known since I can now finally talk
without Lil’ Captain ChattyPants constantly trying to grab my cell
phone! But who to call first!? Wait, wasn’t I making coffee? Where are
those damned filters!?
Ooh, actually though, I should probably use this time to clean.
Hahahaha! I crack myself up! Searching for “Supernatural” bloopers on
YouTube while stuffing my face with cheese it is instead!
Oh crap. Oh crap, crap, crap. What was that noise? He’s awake!?
Already!? But I haven’t DONE anything yet! Sixty percent of my nails
are still scary witch lady length!
Oh well. Guess there’s always the next time he naps in his crib.* I
mean, now that he did it once, I’m sure this is bound to become a
regular thing, right?**
*Still waiting.
**I’m typing this
one-handed as he naps in my arms.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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