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From the Other Side of the Edge….
One Less
“Brick” …in My Wall
By Joe Facinoli
From the time we are born, until we can’t feed ourselves anymore,
everyone’s life is made and developed by a series of influences and
experiences.
The effects of these vital building blocks (“bricks”, if you will), on
shaping the way we live and on what we become, are continuous and never
ending, …even when we stop remembering them, …or haven’t thought of
them in a very long time.
Pink Floyd sang of “bricks” in a wall, in the 80s, but in a much
darker, more alienated way, …about how a “wall” could isolate one from
the pains of life.
But my “Wall” is much more positive and optimistic, …embracing and
understanding ALL the parts of my life, …the good, well placed bricks,
and the bad, poorly laid ones, as well.
Right now, …I’m missing one of my very good ones.
I met Jeanie when I was 29. She was six years younger, and
I couldn’t believe what had been dropped into my lap, surely from
heaven, …or some place special.
Tallish and blonde, maybe 5’8”, …thin and shapely, amazingly so, for
one who had already birthed two kids.
Long, silky golden hair, that surrounded a face which was handmade, …on
one of God’s very best days.
And those eyes. Big, dark blue, wide open and
expressive, conveying everything she had on her mind, …and that she
wanted to tell you. She could convince anyone, …to do
anything, …with those eyes.
Truth be told, we should never have been together, really, …probably
ever.
She was married, but separated, from an abusive Baltimore City cop,
with whom she had those two, cute little boys.
I was married, but separated, from a much nicer lady, with whom, four
years in, had grown irrevocably apart. We had no
children.
But here we were, Jeanie and I, …each lost, …but together
found.
And it was magical.
We were from different worlds, …but somehow, we got close.
Different social strata, …different geography, and parts of town, …but
it meant little.
Different education, …different incomes, to be sure, …but it didn’t
matter.
We laughed together, and we genuinely liked each other.
We could talk to one another, …and trust each other.
We shared, …and we listened to, …each other’s issues, as well as the
good things, …and we cared about what happened in the other’s life.
We worked together, every day, …and we played together, whenever we
could.
It was awkward at first, …a bit touch and go, and even difficult, more
often than not.
But that made it even more magical.
I was Jeanie’s boss. In fact, I was the owner of a
struggling cleaning service company, and she was my best nighttime
supervisor.
She had worked for me for a while, before I realized that she was
paying more than the normal, or needed, attention to her clueless
overseer.
I had always steered clear of relationships with employees, and
although she was hard to miss, I immediately took the easier road, in
keeping our nightly dealings very professional.
But that would change.
She had a body which rivaled her face for perfection, and being young
and silly flirtatious, always dressed herself to best accent her ever
so delightful assets.
The mere sight of her, after I finally allowed myself to notice,
instantly made me believe in a higher power. I was
all in, …and done in.
But it was her marvelous way, …her easy, fascinating style and manner,
…and her fearless, unapologetic feeling for life, and those she cared
about, …which captivated.
She pulled you in, whether you wanted to go, …or not.
And I did, …exactly 1.2 seconds after that lightning bolt
hit.
Five nights a week our work took us to the Village of Cross Keys, a
sprawling complex with three large office buildings, in the center of
Baltimore. We were responsible for cleaning all the offices
there, and had a crew of about 15 people.
Every night that I was on site, Jeanie always made it her business to
tag along with me, even neglecting her supervisory duties in doing
so. It didn’t take too long, for me to catch
on.
We were both blessed with personalities that made us hopeless flirts,
which was a bad combination under these circumstances, …and in the
close quarters we would find ourselves, doing our required
tasks.
And it also didn’t take long for us to forget about the “professional”
part of our relationship, and quickly move on to sampling the lushly
furnished accommodations, in so many of those dark and empty
offices.
I tried to stay strong, and on that higher road, …but she always
insisted harder than I could resist (which wasn’t much at all), and
those soft couches weren’t getting much use anyway (I justified), at
such a late hour.
Her extraordinarily full, and slightly pouty lips, …which felt so soft
when she kissed my cheek (or later, anywhere else), …made it all but
impossible for me not to give in, …and who wouldn’t (I reasoned, …still
justifying).
We had a great run, for probably more than a year. So
many laughs, …so much fun, just being together, …and so much pure
pleasure, all in abundance.
I’ve never had a relationship with a woman, before or since, …from
which I have no bad memories.
But nothing lasts forever, and nearly as quickly as we’d found each
other, we were pushed apart, and not really of our own
doing.
The management company at our complex was fired one day, and with them,
went our nightly contract.
I guess Jeanie and I always knew it would come, that time when we would
lose our convenient “nest”, and that it would be difficult to replace,
and to continue our special kind of bonding.
We were from different places, after all, and once our common ground
was lost, it was tough to make it work elsewhere.
She had kids, and a possessive, soon to be ex-husband, who was still
always an issue, and a problem to deal with, .…and I had my business to
run, and was too young and stupid to see that I should try harder to
keep her, …and us.
We saw each other a few times after that, but she couldn’t work days,
and I had no more nighttime contracts, and occasions to get together
just got more and more difficult to find.
And finally, it just went away, …and was over.
She was gone, …but always still there. A constant
“brick” in the wall, …and in the story, …of my life.
Jeanie was a large part of a foundation for me, …a strong and
meaningful building block. Socially, emotionally, and
physically (of course).
One cast from goodness, and someone this young pup (at that time)
fairly, and desperately needed.
Good memories don’t go anywhere, …they just help you build and grow
your life, …forward and upward, from them.
And so it always was with my memories of her. I knew
I could never go back, but I also knew that I could always count on
them, …to be there for me.
Thirty years passed by quickly.
Another marriage for me, …20 years worth, including the birth of a
wonderful son, …and then other fine and nice relationships followed,
after that second attempt ended.
A few jobs and businesses took up the time, and finally brought me to
today, and another cleaning business, this one doing much better, than
that first one.
And it made me think of Jeanie, again. So much so,
that about three years ago, on a whim, I looked her up on Google, …and
quickly, my PC spat out a current address, and a phone
number.
Wow! What to do now?
I wasn’t sure. I really wanted to see her again, to hear
that laugh, to see that smile, and to just be with her for a
while. I was ready.
But was that crazy husband still around? With his
jealous rages, and abusive ways. I didn’t want to get
her into trouble, and it had been so long, maybe it was best to just
leave it alone.
I left the note on my desk, …which was not a good idea, if indeed I
ever wanted to see it again (very messy, my desk, …and
full).
From time to time, I’d find that note, and think that I should try
somehow, but I always put it off, or made excuses about attempting any
contact.
Until last week.
I came across my note again, late one night, and this time it hit me,
…that I would absolutely do whatever it took to find her, and at least
let her know I still thought of her …fondly.
Again, the PC quickly provided the necessary information, and now I had
everything I needed to get in touch.
But by then, it was 3 a.m. Too late to call, and I
decided not to email either (better maybe to phone her, or just go
there), so I continued checking on her some more, mostly out of
curiosity.
And lucky me, I found (in the Baltimore City Police Union registry),
that her no-good ex had died in 2002. Yes! Good
news, especially for her, …I thought lovingly.
So I kept looking further, on this police site, to maybe verify other
info I’d found elsewhere, …just to be sure.
And then, …right there on the same screen, which had given me such
hope, and made me feel a twinge of that wonderful old feeling again,
…came the coldest news I’ve ever received, or read.
On the next page, following the “Fallen” cops listings (with all the
police who had ever died), came the one piece of information I’d never
even considered, neither in my quest that night, …nor in any thoughts
I’d ever had of her, throughout the years.
The next listing, was for “Fallen Widows”, and to my complete and
unexpected horror, …Jeanie’s name was there!
She had died, …January 7, 2014, …a year ago.
Oh my God. I immediately started to cry, …and still
haven’t really stopped yet, at least inside.
I cried for my lost opportunity to ever see her again, …but mostly,
because this important “brick” in my life, so permanently engrained in
all the parts of my life, ….was gone, and forever
now.
Somehow, I always thought that she would be there, or that she was out
there, and that always made me smile, and feel good.
But now…….
So much of Life is about adjustments, …and this one is bigger than any
of the others, for me.
My parents have both passed, and a few good friends as well, …it’s
inevitable.
But this one is the first time I’ll be mourning someone so intimate,
…and with whom I had created the most unlikely, and wonderful of
relationships.
Someone special, …a special “brick”, …is now gone from my
life.
I haven’t seen her for over thirty years, …but that makes me miss her
all the more. I missed my chance, …and I only have myself
to blame.
Just one more time I’d like to see that perfect face, and those amazing
eyes, and laugh with her again. Maybe someday I
will.
Life is also about lessons. And this one I have
learned the hard way, and offer it, …with heartfelt sincerity, …to
all.
If you want to do something, …or see someone special,
….Don’t Wait.
Everyone loses, when you do.
Hugs and Kisses Jeanie, …I miss you.
Joe Facinoli
--Joe can be reached at: joefacinoli@gmail.com
Intelligent Response Encouraged !!
© Copyright 2015, Joe Facinoli
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