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Answering Life’s Biggest Questions
Sound advice to
Hot Mess… join the mom mob
By Abigail Fischer and Katie DeLand
Dear A&K,
The other day, the struggle was real. I was at the grocery with my two
young children, and things were out of control.... In fact, the lady
behind me offered to pay for my groceries because I appeared to be in
distress. Please make me feel better!
Sincerely,
Hot Mess in the Hot Cocoa Aisle
Dear Hot Mess,
This weekly adventure does not go unnoticed, and we are here to assure
you that we are all sweating bullets at the grocery. What begins as an
organized and orchestrated trip ends poorly with fruit snack wrappers,
sucker sticks, and sweaty ice cream containers. Let us explain:
1. The carts. Where do we even begin? The second you
walk in, you debate the lesser of the two evils: a whacked-out
front wheel or the gigantic CozyCoup/cart combo. Your kids, of
course, beg for the latter, so you spend the next 90 minutes banging
into produce stands, squeezing past the normal-sized carts and playing
the role of time-keeper of whose turn it is to drive the fake
car. If navigating down Aisle 5 in a cart that is, no lie, the
size of your grandpa's Mercury Sable doesn't test your high
school drivers' ed knowledge, then entering the check-out lane
will. How in the WORLD are you supposed to unload your massive
mountain that is now teetering to an alarming degree with this beast
taking up ALL OF THE SPACE? Oh, and is that bread under the
canned soup? That will make for a fun sandwich shape.
Right around the time you try to suck in all extra pounds of baby
weight to fit between CozyCoup and candy display, your kids decide it
is the best time to play Chinese Fire Drill. Mass hysteria ensues
as you get pinned to the seventeen different flavors of Wrigly Gum.
2. Produce. You have made it back to the front! Now
is the time to really puff up your chest and put on the best
"We-Eat-a-Lot-of-Fresh-Fruit" face. The only problem is you have
fed your kids Fruit Cocktail with the questionably real marichino
cherries for the past month, and you really have zero clue how to tell
if this melon is ripe, rotten or just right. To keep the peace
while you fake-sniff and knock randomly on the shell, you throw in a
bag of grapes and pretend not to notice your kids devouring them like
ravaged animals. That is until, of course, one of these
grape-thieves gets greedy, steals the entire bag and spills the loose
ones at the bottom all over. You notice JUST after your roll
through five and step on six. Great. Now you have two new
jobs: sweet-talk the maintenance guy and scold your kids about
the cost and value of food. Meanwhile, the cantaloupe that you
thought had passed all of your fake tests seems to be leaking and
bruised.
3. Food samples. Hey, if you happen to be alone at the
store, these kiosks are the best. Game on with the hickory-bacon
wraps. But enter three or four more teeny mouths, and these pit
stops are just that- the pits. They all demand their own Dixie
cup of basil cream soup, but immediately deem it "DISGUSTING" after
tasting a mere micro spec. Now you have five samples of something
that, to their credit, isn't that good, and the old lady dishing out
the soup is eyeing you and just DARING you to throw them all
away. You down them all and wonder why you can't lose those extra
five pounds.
4. Bagging goods. You're almost there. You push your five-ton
cart towards the smiling clerk (she is young and has no idea what
awaits her five years down the road). Let's be honest, there is NO WAY
you can subject yourself to the pressure of someone waiting behind you
in a self check-out. Now you are feeling as if you literally ran a
marathon. Maybe an ultra, after your youngest threw a
full-throttle tantrum when you said NO to the Little Mermaid fruit
snacks. Regardless, you are dragging butt, your mascara is
smudged and any attempt at appearing sane was left at the deli
counter. Unfortunately, now is the time that requires the most
athletic of skill--how high can you pile various jars of pickles and
peanut butter without them toppling? And WHY did you place the
laundry detergent on top of your buns? While you perilously
continue to unload millions and millions of money on the belt, you can
clearly see that the cashier has run out of room on her turnstile of
bags. She needs your cart, but it still has remnants rolling
around in the bottom. What to do? Obviously, you choose not
to make eye contact as you heave the seven cans of green beans,
container of baking soda and last box of Pop Tarts onto the very top
and watch as they find their place, Tetris-style. NOW you can
push forward and watch as your gloriously-empty cart gets filled with
billows of white plastic.
Grocery shopping can be painful, and we simply recommend to become one
with the flustered mom mob. When you see another mom pulling her hair
out and gritting her teeth, kindly point her in the direction of the
chocolate aisle.
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