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Broke Wife, Big City
Grocery
shopping with your spouse 101
By Aprill Brandon
There are a lot of ways to get to know your significant other better.
And let’s face it, no matter how much you think you know, there are
always more things you can learn about them. Human beings are vastly
complicated creatures. That’s why no one has yet been able to explain
why we like sodomizing dead birds with other dead birds in the form of
turducken or why we willingly inject poison into our faces so we
perpetually look surprised.
For instance, you could stay up all night talking about your hopes and
fears, or about that year you experimented with the goth vampire look,
or how you voted for Obama but secretly wanted McCain to win so Tina
Fey would keep playing Palin for the next four years on SNL. You could
take an extended road trip together (as long as neither one of you
brings a weapon of any kind along). You could even let each other read
the lame poetry you wrote in junior high (shut up, we all know you did).
But nothing, NOTHING, helps you to see into the very core of your
partner’s being like grocery shopping together.
Few other activities can give as much insight into each of your
personalities and values. That whole “you are what you eat” is complete
bunk. It’s actually “you are what food you buy.”
Take this past Sunday, for instance. Now, normally, it’s my husband who
does the bulk of the grocery shopping and this is because I tend to get
irrationally angry and downright close to homicidal when I get stuck in
an aisle behind some soccer mom who can’t decide between Rago or Prego
because while Prego tastes better, Rago has fewer calories and little
Suzie doesn’t like mushrooms but hmm they look cut up small enough for
her to not even notice but would the four cheese or tomato and basil
taste better with the ziti tonight and oh my god, MOVE, YOU PINK
TRACK-SUIT CLAD MORON!!!
And he does a great job at it. He even knows my preferred products for
all my monthly lady business.
But every once in awhile on the weekends, I’ll tag along either out of
sheer boredom or because I’ve had enough tranquilizers to make me
relatively harmless toward my fellow shoppers.
And that’s when I discovered that every aisle is a chance to wonder
just who the hell is this alien standing beside me.
For example, this is how most of our discourse went:
Me: “Three packages of cookies? Really?”
Him: “Wait, you need a different face cream for day than you do for
night? What’s the difference? Don’t roll your eyes at me.”
Me: “You’re honestly telling me you need three 2-liters of Diet Pepsi?
At this point, do you just pee pure sugar?”
Him: “Oh my god, who needs that much sausage?” (Me and him in unison:
“That’s what she said”).
Me: “Dude, put back that Valentine’s candy or I will saw off your foot
off just to give you a taste of your diabetes-filled future.”
Him: “No. NO! Put back the Red Bull. You act like you’re on meth when
you drink that stuff and I will not spend another night talking you
down.”
Me: “Cracklin’ Oat Bran? That’s the cereal you picked? You have the
combined palette of a 5-year-old and my grandpa.”
Him: “What do you mean the ‘fancy’ bread? What the hell is ‘fancy’
bread? Bread that has a little bow tie on each slice?”
Of course, there are things we accept about each other without
question. He knows that me being a woman means I am programmed to buy
any and all food and drink that claim to have “anti-oxidants” in them.
And I know that he has a deep, deep love affair with peanut butter that
I can never hope to tear asunder. And, believe it or not, there are
also even a few things we agree on, such as you can never have too much
coffee or wine or cheese.
But the good news is, who needs to pay for expensive marital counseling
when you can just work out your issues in the canned food aisle?
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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