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Broke Wife, Big City
A brief guide
to modern parenting
By Aprill Brandon
First of all, you should really already have kids. That biological
clock doesn’t tick forever, you know. I mean, wait until you’re
financially stable and all that, of course. It’s completely
irresponsible to have kids before you’re fully prepared. But if you
wait too long, that’s just selfish. Honestly, I don’t know what’s
worse, those women having babies in their 40s or those young
22-year-old moms. But as parent can tell you, you’re never really ready
to have kids. So have them sooner rather than later. Once you’ve
established your career first, naturally. Did you freeze your eggs yet?
You haven’t? Well, nevermind. It’s already too late.
Now you’ll have a lot of important decisions to make as soon as you
become a parent and the most important of all is what you feed them.
You absolutely, positively HAVE to breastfeed. Breastfeeding is best
for the baby and completely natural. Not to mention beautiful. Unless
you are doing it in public, in which case you should be ashamed of
yourself. That’s disgusting and you should really have more respect for
yourself. Plus, stop being so smug about it. Not everyone is able to
breastfeed and you should really stop shoving it in people’s faces.
Never ever set your baby down if you can help it. It’s literally
impossible to spoil a baby with too much love, so hold them close at
all times. That is, except when you are letting them cry it out. Babies
absolutely need to learn to self-sooth at a young age or it can have
dire consequences down the road in their development. Although you
should know that technically this method is considered child abuse.
Either way, don’t worry. Your kid was probably going to end up a serial
killer anyway. I’m sure it’s nothing you did.
This next one I cannot stress enough. Stop helicopter parenting. Just
stop. Children will never learn independence and the oh-so-important
trait of grit if you don’t stop hovering over them. So, no matter how
many times we call Child Protective Services on you, let them walk to
the park by themselves for crying out loud.
Regarding discipline, at this point, everyone knows spanking not only
doesn’t work, it’s psychologically damaging. And clearly all that New
Age-y “get down on their level and try to reason with them” crap
doesn’t work. Then there’s the behavior chart with stickers. Pfffft.
Are you kidding me? This is why I’m not surprised your children are
undisciplined godless heathens.
And please, please! Get off your phone and enjoy your time with your
kids. What are you even doing still reading this? Time with your kids
is so, so precious. It goes by so fast. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is
more important than your children. Although remember they shouldn't be
the center of your world. Honestly, that’s what's wrong with kids
today, parents thinking their baby is a unique snowflake that
constantly needs to be engaged in some enrichment activity. That's not
how it was done back in the day. Kids were told to leave us the hell
alone and go play outside and God help them if they came back before
dusk.
Anyway, remember it’s equally important to make time for your
significant other. Have a date night. And don’t be bothered by the fact
that if you're a woman, you will be considered a bad mom for leaving
your baby at home so you can finally relax for a few hours. And God
help you if you try to enjoy a cocktail in public, you floozy. But
please do take solace in the fact that dads can quite literally chug a
beer while holding their infant and everyone will tell them what a
fantastic and hands-on father they are.
In this brave, new, technological world we’re living in, screen time
should definitely be tightly limited. You don’t want to raise a little
media zombie, do you? I mean, even though refusing to let your kid
watch TV makes you one of those ridiculously annoying hipster parents
that we will never, ever get tired of making fun of. Seriously, chillax
a bit, “bro.” A little Spongebob never hurt anyone.
And lastly, remember that however many children you decide to have is a
very private decision and should only be a conversation between you,
your partner and possibly your doctor. Speaking of which, how many kids
do you have? I read somewhere that it’s cruel of parents to only have
one child. Such a lonely childhood and all that. Did you know 96
percent of murderers in prison were raised as only children? So, when
are you having your next one? You know, you shouldn’t wait too long
between siblings. Then again, you don’t want Irish twins. Ha! You have
how many again? Whoa! Trying for a whole basketball team, eh? All with
the same father? Not that it’s any of my business. It’s just so rare
for a woman to stick with the same partner for very long in this day
and age.
Wait, where are you going? There’s so much more we need to discuss!
Like how you have to vaccinate your kids even though vaccines contain
bleach and octopus urine, and how Snapchat is really a front for an
organization made up of pedophiles who seduce children with non-organic
gummy bears!
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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