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Broke Wife, Big City
If children’s
books actually realistic
By Aprill Brandon
Hello! My name is Aprill. I have a son. His name is Riker. He is
2-years-old. He is a wonderful boy!
Riker likes to laugh and play. And he really loves to read!
We read books all the time together. They all sound exactly like this.
Because who doesn’t love short sentences! And lots of exclamation
points!
Mommy, that’s who! Or at least not after reading 27 books in a row.
Twenty-seven books in a row that feature no less than 4,000 exclamation
points!
Yay!
The worst kinds are the “informational” children’s books. Do you know
what an informational children’s book is? It is a book designed to
teach children things! But teach them in the most annoying and
condescending manner possible!
Mommy may be biased though. She has read a bunch of these books lately.
She is trying to prepare Riker for the arrival of his new baby sister!
So every day she reads books with titles like “I’m a Big Brother” and
“I’m Going to be a Big Brother” and “Why Is Mommy Crying at That
Commercial?”
These books are indeed informative. And repetitive! And redundant! And
repetitive!
And oh-so-dumb!
This is why Mommy wrote her own children’s book to prepare Riker for a
new baby! A more realistic version! A version that includes
stretch marks and curse words!
Because sugar-coating is for babies!
The Adorable Fetus That Is Slowly Destroying Mommy
Chapter One
Riker loves his Mommy. His Mommy is the best. He loves sitting on his
Mommy’s lap.
But lately, Mommy’s body is changing. Her belly is getting bigger and
bigger. So are her butt and boobs. And her feet and hands. And her hips
and thighs. She also now has two chins. Count them.
One.
Two.
Two chins!
Daddy says this is because a baby is growing inside Mommy! Mommy says
it’s a parasite that feeds off of Mommy’s nausea. This is why she needs
to eat cheeseburgers at 7 a.m.
I am going to be a big brother! I am so excited!
Chapter Two
Mommy’s brain is changing too. She says it’s just for show now. We play
fun games like “Where Did Mommy Leave Her Keys?” and “Where Did Mommy
Leave The Dog?” and “Where Is That Horrible Noise Coming From?”
(The answer to all of them is in the fridge!)
Pregnant Mommy can be very fun! This morning she served Skittles and
cheese for breakfast. And last week we had ice cream for dinner! Mommy
says it’s OK because she’s building a human from scratch and it’s
wicked exhausting. Well-balanced meals are for people not currently
making a tiny baby spleen.
But if anyone asks, we ate granola and goji berries with organic honey.
Yum!
Her skin also looks like a tiger now. I told Mommy I want to have a
baby and have tiger skin too. She growled at me. Daddy quickly grabbed
me and we went for a long walk. Mommy is so silly.
Chapter Three
Sometimes Pregnant Mommy is not so fun. I gave her a stick I found in
the park once. She cried and cried and hugged me super tight! She said
“never leave me!” and then she ate my Go-Gurt.
One time Daddy accidentally ate Mommy’s donut. Mommy got really angry.
She said a bunch of new and exciting words!
Mommy farts a lot. It is super smelly.
She also makes funny noises when she gets up off the couch. It makes me
giggle. Mommy says that’s what happens when you grow to be as big as a
planet and have your own gravitational pull.
Chapter Four
When it’s time for the baby to come, Daddy will take Mommy to the
hospital. I’m not allowed to go until the baby is outside Mommy’s
belly. Mommy said it’s because she will be using even more new and
exciting words that I am not supposed to know.
While Mommy is busying being destroyed by my new baby sister, my
grandma is coming to stay with me. My grandma is very fun! She gives me
giant bowls of sugar! And non-Mommy approved toys that are loud and
have no “off” button!
A few weeks later, my other grandma will come stay with us. She is also
very fun! She will also spoil me in non-Mommy approved ways. Because
that is her job.
Chapter Five
When our new baby gets home, Mommy and Daddy said things will be
different for awhile. They will be very tired. They will be very tired
because babies don’t like it when mommies and daddies sleep. They also
hate clean clothes. But not as much as they hate letting parents eat a
hot meal.
Chances are good I will spend a lot of time doing things Mommy and
Daddy never let me do before, like sitting in front of the TV
binge-watching “Sesame Street” and eating animal crackers from a giant
tub!
Mommy says things will go back to normal soon. Although we’ll still eat
ice cream for dinner occasionally.
But if anyone asks, we ate gluten-free spaghetti with non-GMO heirloom
tomato pasta sauce and free-range, grass-fed beef.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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