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Answering Life’s Biggest Questions
Keep it simple… Brush your Teeth!
By Abigail Fischer and Katie DeLand

Dear A+K,

I need some straight-up answers. What is all of this facial contouring makeup business? My morning minutes are limited, leaving me split between mascara application and brushed teeth.  Dental hygiene wins out, but what happened to the days of Seabreeze and Avon? Am I missing something here or have beauty routines hit the larger scale?

Sincerely,
Seabreeze Sulking


Dear Seabreeze Sulking,

From microderm abrasion, dry shampoo, and tanning foam, these 80s-born girls are drowning in cosmetics. Remember walking into your mom's bathroom? A blue container of Noxema and a Covergirl compact sitting next to the Love's Baby Soft covered the tiny vanity. And she was beautiful.

For starters, the wrinkles. They are happening, and the Crow's Feet seem to dig in deeper with each passing day.  But is microderm abrasion our only option? Is that like putting our face on a belt sander? The container says it will smooth fine lines, but it feels as if it's stripping a facial nerve. And let's mention how the innate tendency to push the sand granules in harder *as if* it will make the wrinkles disappear instantaneously. All it actually leaves is a red and inflamed Lady Elaine look.  One step forward, seventeen steps back.  We are resigned to the haggard look, and pray that Botox will be an over-the-counter application in ten years.

Dry shampoo sounds like a wonderful idea, until powder starts spraying out in chunks on our forehead and we look like we need to have a serious date with the Head & Shoulders bottle. Are we doing this wrong? Is a respirator necessary prior to application? How do you control this nozzle? As much as we loathe the time it takes to blow dry dripping hair, a traditional shower head sprays in one direction and doesn't leave the bathroom floor a glorified slip and slide.

Forging ahead to the grand finale.  We made it through college and succeeded with smoky eyes, bronzers and fake eyelashes.  Looking back, we probably needed to ease off the Sun-In and heavy lip gloss, but whatevs.  However, suddenly HD make-up is a thing and it comes with YouTube tutorials to boot.   What does this stand for and why is it different than my tried-and-true  tinted moisturizer and eye liner?  We aren't sure how anything we glob into our cheeks at 6am can parallel the high-definition reality tv that we fell asleep to the night before, so we assume HD is an acronym for "Hunker Down?" "Harsh Decline?" "Help Define?"  These would be the most applicable to us.

From here on out, we recommend keeping it simple, unless makeup is your hobby (and if that is the case, we aren't your people).  Wrestle those wrinkles. Do it. Smooth the smile lines- yes. But if your bathroom countertop is looking like a ransacked Sephora, it's time to prioritize. Just remember to brush your teeth.

Sincerely,
A+K


 
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