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Broke Wife, Big City
In defense of
Thanksgiving
By Aprill Brandon
Guys, I love analogies. I love analogies like how bad writers love a
good cheap gimmick. Which is why I want to begin this particular column
about my love of Thanksgiving with the following cheap gimmicky analogy:
You guys have turned Thanksgiving into the classic middle child of the
major holidays. At one time it was a big deal in America. But now,
jammed in-between Halloween and Christmas, it always gets overlooked.
And sure, just like so many other middle children, it’s maybe not as
fun as Halloween or as exciting as Christmas, but it’s still a good,
solid holiday.
Halloween obviously plays the role of the oldest child, not so much for
any particular trait per se, but because it comes first in the calendar
year and I really need this analogy to work. Although, if I really
stretch it, Halloween could be like your high-achieving cheerleader
daughter who suddenly goes through a goth phase and dyes her hair
purple and only wears black and starts getting C’s because she’s
focused on writing her death poetry. And also she starts getting drunk,
like really drunk, while wearing sexy Harry Potter uniforms.
And Christmas is clearly the beloved youngest child, who can do no
wrong and no one ever tells it no, which is why it has turned into a
spoiled brat that sucks up all of Mommy and Daddy’s time and money.
Poor Thanksgiving. The quiet peacemaker. It’s just trying to get the
whole family together at the table for nothing other than good food and
good, but strained, conversation that is desperately trying to avoid
bringing up politics. Would you like more mashed potatoes, it quietly
but excitedly asks. Or maybe some of the turkey that took 18 hours to
prep and cook? Or any of these other eleven side dishes?
Except, no one hears it. Because there’s Christmas, screaming in its
highchair for more attention and throwing poinsettias at everyone,
while Halloween mopes and snacks on the giant bowl of leftover candy
that is mostly just yellow Starbursts and generic Tootsie Rolls at this
point. Thanksgiving just wanted one day that is focused on them but no,
because not only is Christmas making a scene but Christmas also had to
bring over its rowdy, juvenile delinquent friend, Black Friday. And now
everything is chaos and everyone is at the store because Black Friday
conned them into thinking that getting into fistfights over cheap flat
screens and environmentally irresponsible Keurigs was a great idea.
And so poor Thanksgiving just sits there alone at the table, sullenly
eating a turkey leg and drinking wine straight from the bottle (which
they will replace because Thanksgiving is a polite, responsible
holiday… as long as no one brings up politics).
Well, I, for one, refuse to let Thanksgiving drink that wine alone.
One, because I have never turned down a glass of wine in my life. And
two, this holiday is worthy of our love and attention.
I love Thanksgiving. LOVE it. I loved it as a kid when my grandma, mom
and aunts would shoo me out of the kitchen while they mysteriously made
magic in the kitchen happen. And I love it now as an adult when I’m the
one in the kitchen mysteriously making moderate-to-severe knife cuts
and a whole symphony of curse words happen (and somehow, magically,
edible food).
Everyone gets all dressed up but goes absolutely nowhere, just looking
hella fancy while hanging out in the kitchen. There’s no stress to look
skinny in a sexist costume or pressure to find the perfect gift for a
husband who thinks “whatever, you know what I like” is an acceptable
answer to the question “what do you want for Christmas this
year?”
The only goal for the whole freaking day is just to devour food that
has been bathed in almost illegal amounts of butter. To drink wine and
watch a parade and talk about the weather with your uncle for an
uncomfortable 12 minutes because it’s a topic least likely to bring up
politics.
There’s no pressure to have a good time, even, or to make it a magical
day for children. It just is what it is. The only thing you’re required
to do is give a list of things you’re thankful for and even then, you
can lie because who’s going to know?
So, guys, I think we all should apologize to Thanksgiving for our
benign neglect of it. It truly deserves better. A prominent place on
the fridge to hang its construction paper turkey hand art.
Christmas will just have to learn to wait.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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