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Broke Wife, Big City
Death is the
ultimate guilt trip
By Aprill Brandon
Aprill “Danger” Brandon, age 35, a lifelong resident of stunted
adolescence, died Thursday in her Boston home (technically Somerville
but whatever, close enough). The cause of death was a brain aneurysm
brought on by being forced to watch what authorities suspect was too
many “Little Einsteins” episodes.
The first documented case of “brain suicide,” as the doctors are
referring to it, it appears Aprill’s brain cells all rammed themselves
against her skull at the same time so as to escape hearing that
god-awful theme song ONE MORE TIME. Her condition was exacerbated by
the fact that she did, indeed, have a very hard head to start with,
according to multiple sources.
She was the mostly beloved wife of her husband, Ryan, who was, as you
can imagine, devastated by the news even though their last fight was
about how he uses too many paper towels. He is likely to remarry
quickly but he is under strict orders that she be dumb and ugly. Or, at
the very least, dumber and uglier than the deceased.
She is also survived by her two children, her baby Mae (yes, Aprill
named her daughter Mae…sigh…yeah, we KNOW) and her toddler son, Riker
(who, let’s be honest, essentially murdered her with his TV viewing
habits).
Other survivors include her parents and a brother she nicknamed “Turd,”
as well as a male dog named Buffy (ugh…again with the cutesy names).
Aprill spent her childhood in Ohio, where she was lucky enough to be
shielded from the evil that is the “Little Einsteins” TV show, mainly
because the sadistic bastards behind it hadn’t invented it yet. Instead
she spent her time climbing trees and poking at dead things with sticks
and slathering her face with her mother’s expensive Mary Kay makeup
even though this was expressly forbidden and made her look like a Vegas
showgirl who was down on her luck.
She attended Miami University where she majored in journalism and poor
quality beer. Upon graduation, she worked at a series of newspapers and
magazines around the country, making her living by writing boob jokes
and sentences containing too many misplaced modifiers.
In 2010, she married her husband in Austin, Texas during the month of
February because February in Texas is essentially June in the rest of
the country. It was a wonderful ceremony that no one remembers, least
of all the bride and groom, because there was an open bar with a giant
kickass margarita machine.
In 2011, the happy couple moved to Boston, where they discussed having
kids every time they got day drunk on the weekends.
In 2012, they discussed having kids even more while sleeping in on
Sundays until noon.
And then 2013, she got knocked up and basically turned into a swamp
demon for nine months.
Her beautiful son was born in 2014, followed by his equally beautiful
sister a mere 11 weeks ago. And she was super happy with her life up
until the moment she collapsed face first into a giant pile of tiny,
tiny cars by the aforementioned brain suicide.
In addition to her love/hate relationship with writing, Aprill was
known for her love of books, photography, fancy-ish cheese, Pacey from
“Dawson’s Creek” and cooking while drinking copious amounts of wine;
all passions she wished to passed down to her children if they hadn’t
up and murdered her with their cruel addiction to badly animated drivel.
Aprill lived as she died, with a cocktail in her hand and a snarky
Tweet in her heart.
In lieu of flowers, please send some thugs over to the house of the
creator of “Little Einsteins” to break his/her kneecaps. Feel free to
also beat up the creators of Netflix, who are keeping this animation
abomination alive and well with their stupid invention.
There will be no viewing as Aprill’s last wishes included not being
laid down in a position that would make her look like she had a double
chin.
Per her will, she will be cremated and her ashes placed above her son’s
bed so he is reminded daily of how he killed her.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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