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Checklist for
road tripping with small children
By Aprill Brandon
1. Run to the store to buy juice boxes, goldfish crackers, raisins,
assorted cheaply made toys designed to be hurled into the backseat at
the first sign of a tantrum.
2. Eat all the leftovers in the fridge, even the questionable ones,
over the three days leading up to the trip. The ancient pizza, the
fossilized Chinese food, the milk on the verge of going bad, the giant
vat of bean soup everyone hates but mom keeps making because it’s cheap
and has at least a 2 percent nutritional value. Eat it. Eat it all.
3. Do everyone’s laundry because every single person in the household
only wants to bring the outfits they wore for the past five days.
4. Run back to the store because you just realized you are out of dish
soap and need to run the dishwasher before you leave.
5. Spend 45 minutes looking for suitcases in the attic.
6. Realize suitcases are still in the corner of the bedroom where you
left them the last time you took a trip and still contain the dirty
laundry from said trip.
7. Unpack suitcases.
8. Do laundry. Again.
9. Run back to the store AGAIN for Little Swimmer diapers because the
hotel has a pool. Pay $10 for an entire pack even though you will
likely only use one. Cry briefly in the car.
10. Gather all the chargers for everyone’s electronic devices. Keep
removing chargers from the pile of chargers because everything needs to
be charged.
11. Look up route on Google Maps. Cry again.
12. Drop dog off at the dog-sitter’s house, who you found off of
Rover.com after surfing the website for five whole minutes. Feel huge
waves of guilt you are abandoning your dog with a complete stranger.
Try not to look too concerned when she opens the door and looks 12.
13. Run back to that godforsaken piece of crap store AGAIN because the
Little Swimmer diapers were the wrong size for your toddler. Also fork
over another $10 for another pack because what if your freaking
4-month-old wants to swim too? Give $3 to a bum in the parking lot so
you can take a swig from his brown bag whiskey.
14. Pack. Or more precisely, try to fit basically everything you own
into every suitcase, backpack, tote bag and ridiculously large purse
you own.
15. Drag all the luggage to the car the night before. Play the world’s
least fun game of Tetris.
16. Start drinking heavily.
17. Wake up hungover at 4 a.m. Throw everyone in the car with their
pajamas on. Get snippy with your significant other over whether the
coffee pot is still on.
18. Run back into the house to search for Mr. Doody, the stupid stuffed
monkey your toddler can’t live without. Give up search after 20
minutes. Go back to the car and see your toddler holding Mr. Doody.
19. Try not to murder your significant other when they ask if you
checked the coffee pot while you were in there.
20. Climb into the driver’s seat.
21. Re-enact the Ryan Reynold’s car scene from “Just Friends.”
22. Calmly put the car in reverse.
23. Take a deep breath as you pull onto the highway and both children
immediately start crying.
Checklist for the return trip home
1. Hurl everything into the car.
2. Throw suitcases into the corner of the bedroom and unpack eight
months later when you need the suitcases for another super fun family
bonding trip.
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