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Broke Wife, Big City
Stop. You’re
missing Christmas.
By Aprill Brandon
I can’t believe Thanksgiving is over and Christmas is right around the
corner. Seems like it was only Halloween yesterday. Oh, but how I love
this time of year. Everything is just better, just shinier, this time
of year. Cozied up in pajamas under a blanket, drinking a mug of
something hot, watching holiday specials. Happy sigh. It all begins
now.
Although...I really should have started buying presents already. Like,
in July. I always tell myself I’ll start early, buy a few every month,
but I never do. Christmas falls on the same day every year and yet I
never learn. How many paychecks until Christmas? One, two...Only that
many?! Crap. I should check the bank account. Start making the dreaded
“People To Buy For” list. So many people. Why does my chest feel so
tight?
Nope. Stop. Just stop. You’re missing it. You’re missing all the good
parts. It’s Christmas! Stop stressing. You’ll figure it out.
Of course I will. You’re right. I always do. Oh, and don’t forget, it
is finally seasonably appropriate to drink eggnog again. And to drink
all your daily allotted calories in one single festive coffee drink.
Whipped cream? You bet your sweet barista ass I want whip cream. Load
me up. Calories don’t count in December.
Ugh. Look at this line though. Every store, every restaurant, every
coffee place. They’re a nightmare during the holidays. And nobody's
smiling. Why is no one smiling? It’s Christmas, you jerks. It’s
supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year and yet all these
people out here acting like feral animals. Yes, lady, I see you trying
to oh-so-nonchalantly butt in front of me in line. It’s people. The
public. Without them, Christmas would be perfect. WHY HASN’T THIS LINE
MOVED!?
No. Stop. What is wrong with you? You are quite literally acting like
the very people you were just complaining about. Now slap a smile on
your face and remember it’s Christmas! You love Christmas!
I do. I really do. This year will be so fun too. The kids are at that
perfect age where everything is magical again. The lights, the candy
canes, making snowmen. And Christmas morning! Are you kidding me?
They’re going to lose it. I can’t wait to see his face when he opens
his Darth Vader and her face when she sees that cardboard box that
she’d much rather play with than whatever toy actually came in it. I’ll
even let them have cookies for breakfast. ‘Tis the season, after all!
I do worry though that maybe we bought them too many gifts. Spoiled
them. He’s not even four yet and she’s only 18 months. Do they really
need that many material things? Are we creating monsters that will
throw a tantrum in a few years because we got them the wrong iPhone?
No, no. I tend to be a bit dramatic about these things. In fact, now
that I think about it, we didn’t actually buy them that much. Oh god,
what if we didn’t buy them enough? What if Christmas morning is a big
disappointment!?
Seriously? You’re the worst. And, again, you’re missing everything
while internally debating ridiculous things. Now sit your ass down and
have some cocoa and cookies with your delightful children, you weirdly
indecisive Grinch.
Yes, yes, you’re right. I should just relax. Christmas is always
magical if you just step back and get out of its way. I mean, take a
look at our house. All lit up. It’s beautiful. I’m going to have some
eggnog and just sit here and look at the lights.
Ah. Now this is what contentment feels like.
Too bad the house will feel so empty and cold when we have to take all
these decorations down. Is it possible to be depressed about Christmas
being over before it's even really started? Is there a name for that?
The preemptive blues? Well, at least Preemptive Blues will make a great
band name if I ever get out of this funk and start learning to play
guitar. Be the opening act for the band January Sucks.
And January IS going to suck. I’ll have to actually start doing all the
things I’ve been putting off until “after the holidays.” No more
whipped cream on my 2,000 calorie coffee. Just an endless string of
months filled with awful weather and getting my life together and
nothing else.
UGH. STOP. You’re like an emo Krampus. Ruining Christmas for everyone
with your whining. YOU ARE MISSING IT. Right now. It’s happening right
now. So knock it off and have some more eggnog and wrap some presents
and make out with your husband while wearing a Santa hat and ENJOY
THESE MOMENTS IN THE MOMENT, YOU HOLLY JOLLY IDIOT.
You know, you’re so right. I will have some more noggen. Whoops.
Eggnog. Because yesh, Christmas can be stressfun stressful but only
iffen you let it. But I will sat here and have more egnoog (in fact,
may as weel polish off this bottle) and be IN THE MOOMENT. Like Buddha.
Lick a festive drunk Buddha. Buddha on a shelf. Ha! Ha! Man, this
noggen is dellious delishush dalishus damn good. Maw hav
overdoon it though. Ah, butt (heh) it’s Chrisstmas.
Fa la la la la...hiccup...la la la la
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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