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Broke Wife, Big City
By Aprill Brandon
Well, Christmas is over. Meaning life is basically over. Nothing to
look forward to now except a bleak, never-ending winter and easily
getting all my cardio in with the Herculean exertion it takes to stuff
two squirmy tiny humans into snow suits and winter coats and mittens
and hats and snow boots that were designed by engineers who have
apparently never seen a child’s foot before.
Welcome to the most depressing time of the year! Cheers!
Ugh. Every year it’s the same thing. I spend the next four months just
trying to survive. I pretty much put my entire life on hold until the
day I can crawl out of bed without mentally weighing the pros and cons
of moving to warmer climate, like Hell.
But this year on December 26, as I was doing my post-Christmas manic
purging (you know, picking up all the wrapping paper, breaking down all
the Amazon boxes, coping with the plastic Mount Doom in my living room
after liberating all the children’s toys from their synthetic prison,
and then trying to stealthily burglarize the kids’ rooms of old clothes
and toys to make room for the new ones) it hit me. It doesn’t have to
be this way. This year I could try to appreciate all that the winter
season has to offer (besides making it socially acceptable to drink
whiskey at 3 p.m. simply because “it’s so cold out.”). I could actually
embrace it instead of just waiting for it to be over.
Of course, I didn’t come to this conclusion on my own. That kind of
mature response to adversity is not in my nature (my nature being more
drink whiskey at 3 p.m. and drunkenly yell at falling snow when it hits
No, I came to this enlightened viewpoint after reading an article by an
old friend, Stacie Kenton, who is an outdoor enthusiast who lives on a
22-acre farm in Ohio (and was, like, a super chill senior when I was a
freshman in high school and bought me beer that one time). She wrote a
great piece about enjoying your connection to nature during winter and
how we should all try “to live in this winter and not just through it.”
The link to the whole article can be found here:
Now, I should mention that Stacie is the love child of Diana the
Huntress and a mermaid, so, pretty much my complete opposite (I’m more
like if Lorelai Gilmore and a bottle of gin had a baby). Meaning it is
highly unlikely I will ever achieve her sincere level of calm and love
and light when dealing with the world.
But, hey, who’s to say a girl can’t change in the name of self-growth?
I plan to start small. For example, usually this time of year, when a
blast of icy wind hits my face, I unleash a torrent of curse words so
harsh and horrifyingly creative it’s been known to make grown sailors
cry. But this year, I’m going to try to embrace the fact that when the
air hurts my face it lets me know I’m alive. Even though I want to die,
just curl up in a snow bank and wait for sweet, sweet death. And even
though Father Winter is a vindictive jerk who is targeting my face
specifically. And even though winter is stupid.
But no! Not this year! I’m alive, dammit! Feel the freezer burn!
Winter also means all the bugs and mosquitos and ridiculously hairy
spiders are dead. And they probably died a horrific death, screaming
their tiny bug screams as they lay there and raged against a world so
cruel before their tiny lives were snuffed out. Ha! Ha! So, the enemy
of my enemy is my friend and all that.
Not to mention, this time of year offers a whole new slew of
opportunities to make memories with my young family. For example, I
want to take the kids sledding! Or at least the one who doesn’t
currently flop over without an extensive chair support system.
I want to take walks in a quiet snowy wood (and not complain the whole
time about how that douchebag Father Winter is a part of our U.S.
system of patriarchy and is, again, targeting my face specifically)!
I want to build a snowman and drink hot chocolate and not stress out
about the trail of snow and salt and grimy dirt all our freaking snow
shoes drag through the house that is bound later to be licked up by the
aforementioned infant who constantly flops over and makes out with the
floor like it’s her job.
I’ve even Googled local skiing resorts where you can go and not
actually ski but just drink booze in front of a fireplace and they
don’t kick you out.
So, yes, I’ve decided I’m embracing this post-Christmas winter season
whole-heartedly. And by whole-heartedly I mean half-assedly. But hey,
it’s a start.
Life is too short, my friends. Too short to wish for an entire season
to be over. Even if that season is dumb and cold and makes it
impossible to find an effective moisturizer.
So, here’s to appreciating what’s in front of us right now!
Right after I finish this hot toddy under my electric blanket fort and
cry for a few hours!
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/