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Broke Wife, Big City
Everything is
cold and dead and stupid and I hate it
By Aprill Brandon
I’ve been sitting in this coffee shop for exactly 46 minutes now. And
yes, I see you over there, Annoying Hovering Couple with that dual
stink eye you’ve been giving me for the last 17 of these 46 minutes in
the hopes I might feel pressured to hurry up and finish my business
here so you can have my table.
But the joke is on you. Because I can’t think of anything to write and
so will probably die here at this table. So take that croissant you
pronounced in the uppity French manner and shove it.
Ugh. Sorry. I’m just in a foul mood. Is there anything worse than
January? Well, yes. I mean, torture is pretty high up there. Human
trafficking. War. Extreme drought. Animal cruelty. That gross YouTube
guy. Culottes. People who put raisins in chicken salad.
But January comes in at least a solid 770 on the list of Worst Things.
It’s cold. Everything is dead. There’s only one major holiday and you
spend it hungover.
The bills are starting to roll in from Christmas. Nothing fits because
of those ten pounds (fine, 12) pounds you gained over the holidays.
Everyone keeps bragging about how they’ve already done their taxes
while you’re over here like, it’s not even May yet. And then they
correct you and tell you they’re due in April but you don’t care
because you got a mad case of Seasonal Affective Disorder and
everything is stupid and dumb and ugly and stupid and I hate it.
And there are still two months of winter left to go.
Ugh.
I know. I know. First world problems and all that. I’m trying to see
the bright side. I really am. I even flirted with the idea of giving
that Danish idea of hygge a whirl. Because lighting a candle and
wearing a big floofy sweater will solve everything. But then everyone
on the Internet kept arguing about how to actually pronounce hygge and
I got annoyed and started drinking copious amounts of wine while
randomly yelling out “I’m doing Hoo-GAH!” until my husband made me go
to bed.
Honestly, it wouldn’t be that bad if I could just curl up in bed with
seven blankets and read a good book. Which I would read for all of five
minutes until finally giving up the facade and just binge-watching all
the seasons of “Arrested Development” for the third time on my
laptop.
But I can’t. Because I made the seemingly well-thought out decision to
have children.
Don’t get me wrong. Having children is great.
In the summer.
When you can go places and do things.
But in the winter? Before they’re old enough for school? Having
children is inhumane.
Every morning, there they are, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and not
caring that you got drunk practicing hygge the night before. Eager and
ready to do things no matter how crappy it is outside. Happy and
healthy and impatient for you throw out a bunch of creative and
imaginative and educational crap that their spongy little brains can
soak up.
All of which I am happy to do.
In the summer.
And most of the early fall.
But all I want to do right now is hibernate in my blanket fort.
Sigh. Luckily, my love for my children is slightly stronger than my
hatred of January. Which is why I took down the “No Kids Allowed” sign
outside my fort. And why I will suck it up and smile and throw out a
bunch of creative and imaginative and educational crap for their spongy
little brains to soak up inside our fort.
Because I am a good mom.
And also because I’m trying to distract them from the fact that I am
clinging to their tiny furnace bodies for warmth.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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