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Broke Wife, Big City
Jon
Snow isn’t the only one who knows nothing
By Aprill Brandon
My oldest child is about to turn 5-years-old.
But don’t worry. This isn’t going to be “that” column. You know, the
one where the parent is shocked, absolutely SHOCKED, to discover their
child continues to age according to the rules of linear time. Because I
have to be honest, I’ve never experienced that phenomenon where I
blinked and my baby suddenly wasn’t a baby anymore. The only thing that
happens when I blink is I moisten my eyeballs so that I can more
clearly see my children standing in front of me loudly asking me for a
hundred different things.
So no, this birthday is not a surprise to me. My son looks five. He
talks like he’s five. And he acts ALL kinds of five.
“Momma,
can I have a cookie for breakfast?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Cookies
are unhealthy. Now eat this equally unhealthy Pop-Tart slathered in
butter and hush.”
“But I
want a cookie. Why can’t I have a cookie?”
(repeat
for 45 minutes or until I start hurling Pop-Tarts like ninja stars at
everyone in the family)
This lack of surprise at the aging process could also be because I am
the lucky (or cursed, depending on your view of children) parent who
stays at home with my kids, so I get a front row seat to their growth
on a daily basis. Both the giant leaps forward (the first day he left
the house without his beloved blanket, Woobie) and the tiny baby steps
toward independence (the first day he buttered his own toast with
approximately half a tub of butter). In fact, if anything, I am too
present for my children considering that at any given moment I can give
you detailed descriptions of both of their most recent bowel movements.
Not that his upcoming birthday is completely free of angst, of course.
I mean, is it even a birthday if someone isn’t freaking out about
something? So, what I’m having trouble coming to terms with is that his
birthday coincides with the fifth anniversary of my becoming a parent.
Which leads us to the very puzzling question of how is it possible I’ve
been doing this for five years...and I still know nothing?
I mean, sure, both my kids are still alive. I have at least mastered
the bare minimum parental requirements. But parenthood is continually
throwing me curveballs and not only do I not know how to hit them, I
can’t even find the frigging bat because it is likely buried under my
kids’ ever-growing militia of stuffed animals.
Half the time my house is out of soap and bandaids. My daughter’s hair
is ALWAYS tangled. And there is never anything in the house they are
willing to eat because they forgot to tell me they now hate all their
favorite foods.
Just the other day my son told me that when he grows up he wants to be
strong like his Momma. Aww. Sweet, right? Except then he added “Yeah,
and when I’m all grown up like you then I can drink Diet Coke and wine.”
Positive role modeling. Nailed it.
Shouldn’t I be better at this by now?
Take the whole purse thing. I know plenty of those moms who always have
whatever you could possibly need inside their purse. And whenever I
marvel at the fact that they had an extra set of gloves, cough drops, a
healthy snack AND portable wine in there, they always respond, “well,
I’m a mom.”
Yeah, well, I’m a mom too and just yesterday we were outside and my
son’s nose started dripping snot and he asked me for a tissue and I had
absolutely nothing resembling a tissue on my person and so I shoved my
sleeve in his face and said “use this.”
Plus, I NEVER remember to bring my flask to school functions. Like some
kind of newbie.
Sigh.
Then again, I’m holding out hope that most of us parents are faking it.
Which is why, on my son’s birthday when we are celebrating his life,
I’m going to take a little moment to also celebrate that despite it
all, my children seem happy. And no matter how many times I mess up,
they still love me.
And that, God willing, I will have many, many, many more birthdays to
celebrate with them even though I forgot to pick up the cake from the
bakery.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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