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Broke Wife, Big City
I’mma let you finish this preschool graduation, but first let me say...
By Aprill Brandon
Ladies and gentlemen, parents and loved ones, distinguished guests and,
especially, educators just white-knuckling it until you’re finally free
for the summer... welcome. And thank you for that wonderful
introduction. Granted, I realize no one technically introduced me since
I just hopped up here and grabbed the mic. But hey, no one has
full-body tackled me yet and I’m having some big feelings right now, so
I’mma go with it.
I am truly honored to be here today. So honored, in fact, I even put on
my good leggings. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Riker’s mom.
That’s him. Right there. The most adorable little boy in the world.
Wave hi to everyone, Riker. Oh my god, will you just look at those red
curls of his? You know he had a full set of those red curls when he
emerged from my womb? Even the doctor was impressed. He was so little
back then... and perfect... and time went by... so fast… *sob*... no,
no, I’m fine *sniffle*.
Now, I’ll admit, before I had children, I thought the idea of a
preschool graduation was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard. Like,
congratulations on learning what a triangle is, kid. Here’s a diploma
for blowing your nose correctly. But then I became a mom. And soon
realized the dumbest thing I ever heard were all those stupid, stupid,
little songs they sing on “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood.”
More importantly, however, I realized how wonderful the idea of this
graduation ceremony really is. And not just so I can take 500 photos of
my kid standing on a stage picking his nose. But also so I can then
share all these photos on social media and shove them down the throats
of people I barely know in real life.
I MEAN JUST LOOK HOW GORGEOUS HE IS.
In fact, you all look gorgeous today. With your tiny dresses and your
little button-up shirts... and... oh, look at that one, she has a
flower in her hair... I just can’t… *sob*... oh no, I’ll be alright,
Mrs. Ferris. Sit down. No, really. I’m not done yet. I said SIT
DOWN.
I want to tell all you children how proud we are of you. You’ve come so
far. Remember the first day of school? All that crying and clinging and
whimpering? And you kids were pretty upset too.
Look at you now. So much more mature. So much more independent. So many
new curse words in your vocabulary (sorry, other parents, that’s...
that’s mostly on me).
Even though you guys are just starting out on your life’s journey, it’s
important to remember on this special day that the road to success is
filled with no parking signs. And permit parking only signs. And those
indecipherable signs that say you can only park here on Tuesday from 1
a.m.-5 a.m. Which reminds me, if anyone sees a 2004 red Hyundai with a
gray hood being towed, please let me know. We are definitely parked
illegally out front because for some reason this school has the world’s
smallest parking lot.
But no matter where the road takes you, dear graduates, my advice is to
follow your passion. Unless that passion is to pick your nose. Knock
that crap off. RIKER! I mean it, mister. And as you prepare to enter
the real world, a world where there is only one snack break and no
longer two snack breaks, remember this: there will always be more
snacks over the horizon. Be patient. The world is full of snacks. And
should you ever find yourself in an unbearable snackless situation,
look for the nearest grandparent. They will immediately find you a
snack. They don’t even have to be your grandparent.
And so, in conclusion, let me just end with this quote from the
inimitable Dr. Seuss: Do not hop on pop. Or mom. Seriously. Stop it. It
hurts our backs.
Oh, and one more thing, I know it’s only 8:30 in the morning but the
next time you guys have one of these things, maybe put in an open bar
or something because some of us are having a LOT of emotions right now
and a Bloody Mary or three would really help ease the... oh, and it
appears my husband is now trying to pull me off the stage... hang on,
honey, I’m almost done... I just…*sniffle*... you’re the best thing
that’s ever happened to me, Riker... you and your little sister, who I
lost track of like 20 minutes ago and... HANG ON, RYAN... and ... I
know you’re going to do wonderful things and... WAIT, WAIT, STOP
PULLING... oh, just look at Riker’s little horrified face! I made that
face with my lady parts... OK, OK, I’M LEAVING…
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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