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Broke Wife, Big City
Welcome aboard, plebs
By Aprill Brandon
Good morning, passengers, and welcome to Every Airline Flight 525. We
will begin boarding in just a few minutes but please stand by for a few
pre-flight announcements.
It looks like we are scheduled for an on time take-off, although that
will likely change once everyone is onboard and trapped. It does seem
we are overbooked today so we ask that our customers be prepared to
unceremoniously be informed that you have been bumped to a much later
flight even though you have a connecting flight in Washington D.C. We
apologize for this inconvenience but have the utmost confidence that no
one will be of much help getting you where you need to go.
Onboard we will have a variety of complimentary beverages and snacks
available during the flight. So please enjoy those two swallows of Diet
Coke and three tiny pretzels. Of course this only applies to those of
you who bought our basic economy seats. First class and economy plus
customers will be given something much, much better which, fortunately
for the peasants sitting in the back, you will get to glimpse as you
awkwardly pass by them during boarding.
We also have a variety of alcoholic beverages available for purchase if
spending $13 on a tiny bottle of vodka that isn’t even big enough to
give you a buzz is your idea of good value.
We also wish to inform you that if you have a middle seat, please be
prepared for the other two people in your row to be seated first and
then be super annoyed when they see you that you didn’t have the
decency to die on the way to the airport, thus giving them more elbow
room and a place to put their gigantic parkas. Middle-seaters should
also be advised that you will have to pee about ten minutes after take
off but will feel too anxious to ask the aisle person to move again and
will spend the rest of the flight in pure misery. There will be plenty
of bathrooms once we reach our destination but all of them will have a
long line filled only with old people and women with multiple small
children in tow.
Speaking of boarding, we here at Every Airline have a very strict
boarding pecking order because classism is our creed and motto. We are
now inviting those passengers who require any special assistance and
anyone traveling with small children to begin boarding. Yes, even ahead
of the rich people. But only because we’re pretty sure it’s required by
law or something. For those of you boarding first, please do not make
eye contact with the pompous lady who has been hovering near the gate
for over an hour and is angry that just because you have a toddler you
get to go ahead of her. She is clearly one of our Premier Select
Members Plus and as such feels superior to you in every way. Please
also note that she is married to the angry man who was indignant when
the poor airline worker told him his carry-on, which was clearly a
full-sized suitcase, had to go below in the cargo hold.
We will now begin boarding our Gold Circle Elite customers, which are
somehow different from our Premier Select Members Plus customers. For
those of you in Boarding Group 5, please stop standing around like you
will get on this flight anytime soon. Sit down and pretend to read that
overpriced John Grisham book you just bought at the airport souvenir
store.
We are now inviting any veterans or current active military members to
board even though the pompous lady is now audibly huffing and looking
around with her best “don’t you know who I am?” face.
I have been informed that all the overhead bins are already full since
no one checks baggage anymore because we charge a ridiculous fee for
it. Although feel free to hold up the entire line trying to stuff your
overloaded full-sized carry-on up there anyway.
Since we are a bit afraid that the pompous lady is going to have a
heart attack, we now invite our Premier Select Blah Blah Blah customers
to board. As well as Boarding Groups 1-4 because the only thing our
Select Elite Whatever membership gets you is the illusion of
prestige.
Finally we invite Boarding Group 5 to board but most of you already did, sneaking in with the rest of the passengers.
We here at Every Airline know you have your choice of airlines and are
happy that you choose to spend $377.34 to be treated as a criminal and
a second-class citizen by us. Please enjoy your flight. Which I have
just been informed has been delayed.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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