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Broke Wife, Big City
Reasons I’m the meanest mom in the world (this week)
By Aprill Brandon
Upon immediately opening my eyes at 5 a.m. (because I sensed a creepy
child-like presence breathing heavily right beside my head), I told my
eldest child that no, he couldn’t play a game on my phone.
I wouldn’t let my youngest break my glasses even though she really, really wanted to.
I insisted on making coffee first before playing Dinosaurs vs. Vampires.
I offered both of them various forms of fairly unhealthy food at
breakfast, but they were all the wrong kinds of fairly unhealthy food.
(Nothing was even the slightly bit frosted or anything).
I correctly answered “yes, it’s Tuesday” when my son asked me what day of the week it was and did he have to go to school.
I told them no, they can’t go trick-or-treating right now because
Halloween is still two-and-a-half weeks away and besides it’s 7:30 in
the morning.
I asked him where his other shoe was.
I asked her to please stop putting me in a chokehold.
I gave both of them a 20-minute, a 10-minute and a 5-minute warning
that we were leaving and they better be ready. And then had the
audacity to tell them (completely out of the blue) that it was time to
leave.
I didn’t let my daughter ride the neighbor’s dog like a horse.
I didn’t know where the acorn she brought home from the park six weeks ago was.
I threw away the broken red crayon stub.
I took the books back to the library.
I wouldn’t tape her cracker back together.
I wouldn’t let him stab his sister with a butter knife even though he
was pretending to be a pirate and really, really wanted to be
historically accurate.
I refused to buy a fancy purple car (with sparkles) to replace our stinky, gross car.
I wouldn’t let my daughter wear only a swimsuit and mittens to the store.
I informed them, again, that the public pool was closed for the season.
I turned off the TV after three hours straight of “Power Rangers.”
I ordered pizza for dinner but it was the wrong pizza. The kind with sauce and cheese.
I wouldn’t drive them to Memaw’s house, which is only 13 hours away.
I wouldn’t let my daughter drink my wine. Not even a sip. Because Mommy needs ALL OF IT.
I didn’t stop the sun from setting.
I don’t personally know Santa Claus well enough to invite him over for dinner.
I bought the wrong kind of cookies (even though no one can tell me what the right kind of cookies are).
I wouldn’t let my daughter lick my eyeball. Even though she claimed to be a doctor and it was part of the check-up.
I only sang four night-night songs.
I only read one night-night book.
I refused to sleep in their bed.
I refused to let them sleep in my bed.
I refused to let them sleep on the couch.
Or on the porch.
Or on our neighbor Melissa’s porch.
Or on our other neighbor Andre’s porch.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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