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Broke Wife, Big City
St. Momma’s Academy For Wayward Children
By Aprill Brandon
Greetings and salutations new students! I am pleased to welcome you as
the inaugural class of St. Momma’s Academy For Wayward Children. I’m
looking forward to a most maddening semester with all of your
beautiful, perfect faces.
Just a few details and tidbits to go over before I hand out the MAE, I
SAID STOP LICKING YOUR BROTHER syllabus. Firstly, we have a unique
schedule here at the academy. Classes start promptly at Whenever Momma
Has The Energy and ends exactly at Momma Is About To Use The Big Curse
Words.
Breakfast, lunch and dinner will all be served whenever I get around to
it and the menu will always be macaroni and cheese because I have given
up already and so help me if you keep rolling your eyes, Riker, I will
make you write a one thousand word essay on how pretty I am, kiddo.
Now, at St. Momma’s Academy, you are allowed to go to the bathroom
whenever you need, however, this does include the caveat that you
cannot go at exactly the same time as Momma.
Alright, well, once I pass out these syllabuses (syllabi?) I feel we
have put in a good day’s work for today already and I’ll see you all
tomorrow. Now take this packet and go away. Farther. No, farther.
FARTHER.
Music
Introduction to the Quiet Game
This semester we will explore why silence is sometimes just as important as musical instruments.
Art
Stick Figure Technique and Design
I can only teach what I know, tiny scholars.
Science
ARE WE ALL GOING TO DIE!?: An Exploration of Modern Pandemics
This course will explain all the scary things you are hearing on the
news and will mostly consist of reassurances that mommy and daddy and
your grandparents and everyone you know and love will most likely not
die any time soon.
Math
Fantastic Fractions
We’re just making a crap ton of cookies and I’ll let you guys hold the measuring cups and hope you learn fractions via osmosis.
Physical Education
The FUNdamentals of Squirrel Chasing
First kid to catch one wins $20 and a cookie. GO!
Reading
Accio Phonics!
We will be reading all the Harry Potter books together. No! Stop
whining. I said, WE WILL BE READING ALL THE HARRY POTTER BOOKS
TOGETHER.
Home Economics
Advanced Beverage Science
The morning class will focus on how to operate the coffee maker while
the afternoon class will learn basic cocktail recipes. Lab work will be
evaluated daily.
Writing Economics
Exposure Don’t Pay The Bills, You Prick
This intensive course will explore why Momma makes little to no money
as a writer even though she works her ass off. Extra credit given to
any student who offers hugs when the professor inevitably breaks down
in tears of rage.
History
The ‘90’s Were A Hell Of A Time, Kids.
We’re just going to look through Momma’s old photo albums while I drink
whiskey and you guys drink apple juice in fancy glasses.
Media Studies
History of 1980’s Cinema
This mandatory elective will be from M-F afternoons until possibly
bedtime. Homework assignments include multiple viewings of “The
Goonies,” “The Princess Bride,” “Labyrinth,” “The Dark Crystal” and
“Willow,” among others. Any complaining results in automatic failure.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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