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Broke Wife, Big City
My very particular set of skills is finally needed
By Aprill Brandon
Being a stay-at-home parent is an underappreciated job. Luckily, it’s
also a job which results in a lot of expertise that has very little
value outside your immediate family and involves absolutely no social
standing.
Which is fine. We don’t do it for the glory. We do it because childcare
costs in this country are ridiculous and out of control. (And, like,
for love or whatever).
All of which is to say that society places little worth on the ability
to spend all your time with your family without murdering them, not
even once.
But then came the coronavirus. And in times of great uncertainty, in
times of dire need, leaders can emerge from the most unlikeliest of
places. Which is why, as this pandemic is sweeping across the country
and everything is closing and everyone is realizing they will be forced
to spend all their time in very close proximity to their own families,
with no escape, nowhere to run, me and my fellow brethren find that our
skills are finally in demand.
Fellow caregivers! It’s finally our time to shine! *ties hair up in messy bun and straightens sweatpants*
Alright, now one of the most important things to remember is don’t
panic. They’re just your family. You will survive this. Probably. I’ll
be honest, I don’t know your family. But I’ve been stuck at home with
mine for six years now and other than an extremely bloated wine budget
and premature aging, I’ve turned out fine. *twitches*
First things first though, what are you doing? Putting on real pants?
Aw, that’s cute. I mean, if it makes you feel good go on ahead but,
honestly, you’re probably going to regret it. Real pants just remind
you that there is a real world out there, a real world that you are no
longer a part of. You need something with stretch, with elastic;
something that won’t judge you when you are stress-eating leftover
chicken wings above the sink.
Of course, one of the biggest adjustments you’ll have to make is that
within these walls during the day, time will cease to have meaning.
Mornings will fly and the afternoon will be frozen. Minutes can feel
like hours and hours can feel like regretting the decision to ever have
children in the first place. For example, it should be mathematically
impossible to watch “Frozen II” 43 times in one day and yet there it
is, still playing in the background, for the 44th time.
At least now with all this extra time we can sit down to a nice, big
family breakfast, I hear you thinking. But nope. You’ll try, of course,
at first. But your eggs taste like poopy butt and you did the
hashbrowns wrong, (there’s brown on them!) and she just wants CHEERIOS
and he wants butter with a side of bagel. NO! UNTOASTED! NOW IT’S
RUINED!
Time to start your workday. When I’m not getting yelled at for my poopy
butt eggs, I moonlight as a writer so allow me to share what I’ve
learned about working at home with children. Prepare for your
productivity to go down immensely. Even if you have a home office with
a door. Doors don’t stop children. Nothing stops them. Also, children
can sense when you need to concentrate and/or are on an important call.
This is when the little one will crawl on your laptop like a cat and
the older one will burst in naked and fart on you while giggling
maniacally.
Hey, remember back in your former life when you had the autonomy to go
to the bathroom whenever you needed to? Yeah, that’s gone. Even if you
ask every single person in that household if they have to go to the
bathroom before you go in there, and everyone says “no,” someone will
still bang on the door within eleven seconds demanding to be let in
because IT’S AN EMERGENCY and THEY DIDN’T HAVE TO GO THEN.
If you want a snack, you either get real good at slipping in and out of the kitchen unseen or you make snacks for everyone.
Sound? What sound? Oh, that? That’s just the 3 p.m. sibling screaming
match. Right on schedule. Now, wait for it... hang on... in just a
moment... yup, the elderly dog’s fevered barking in response. There’s
an encore of this performance at 4 as well. And 5:15. Sometimes 7.
Oh, don’t look so disheartened. Look, you will want to kill them at
some point. Likely multiple points. This is totally normal. I mean,
don’t. Kill them and whatnot. It will reflect very poorly on your
parenting. But it’s completely valid and normal to feel like you want
to.
Here you go. You’ve earned this. I call it a martini but it’s just straight vodka in a martini glass.
And just think, only five more hours until bedtime.
Tissue?
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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