the bistro off broadway


Letter from Santa

Dear Boys & Girls,

Ho ho ho. So you want to know my secrets, do you? Usually I don’t tell anyone my secrets. That’s why they are called secrets. But you said that I’m real and that you like me… you even sign your letters with ‘love.’

How can I resist that? So you have to promise – pinky promise – not to tell anyone. Okay? Ho ho ho.

First of all, Keeno is not one of my reindeer. He tried out, but he was too clumsy… can you imagine running into a chimney when you are trying to land on a rooftop? My reindeer’s names are: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and, of course, Rudolf.

My favorite color is red. Ho ho ho! And my wife’s name is Mrs. Santa. If I told you her real name she wouldn’t speak to me for 10 years. I don’t know why, it’s a beautiful name. (It’s Angelina, but you didn’t get that from me). Remember, pinky promise! Ho ho ho.

What do I eat at night? I love cookies, but I get those every year from little boys and girls on Christmas Eve. Mrs. Santa has convinced me to eat sensibly the rest of the year… fruits, veggies, cheese… you know, the good stuff. Oh, and I can’t tell you how old I am because I stopped counting over 500 years ago. It must be all that good stuff that I eat. Ho ho ho.

A lot of people are saying that Rudolf’s daddy is Donner. It isn’t. All they have to do is ask me… it’s no secret. Blitzen is Rudolf’s daddy. I still don’t know how Rudolf’s nose glows. Blitzen’s doesn’t. There’s lots of magic up here at the North Pole… but I have to put in fresh batteries every year.

All of my elves came from orphanages around the world, little boys and girls who needed good homes. Since then we’ve grown into a huge family. We have to be… we work all year long to make millions of toys for little boys and girls just like you. My workshop is almost as big as your town of Greenville!

Did you know there are thousands of reindeer up here around the North Pole? Great big herds. Well, centuries ago I went to them and asked if any of them were interested in working one night a year and eating all their favorites foods – like lemmings, arctic fish, birch and willow leaves… even mushrooms – the rest of the year. Ho ho ho, they lined up by the hundreds. It was hard choosing.

Now for the secret stuff… remember, pinky promise!! Like I said, there’s lots of magic up here, but what happens when I go around the world? The magic goes away. I had to invent my own magic.

First of all, when I load my sleigh I use Compression Dust. It’s kind of like the nanotechnology you have today for your computers, except I invented it about 300 years ago. All the toys get tiny and then big again after I get down the chimney. Sometimes I have to use Compression Dust on myself for small chimneys. My reindeer can fly after I sprinkle them with my Aviation Dust. It only lasts about 24 hours, but that’s long enough for my Christmas Eve trip.

But my greatest invention is Lightspeed Sonar. It zips me from town to town, and the names of every little boy and girl in that town pop up on my screen. It tells me exactly where the good little boys and girls live, and where the naughty ones live.

And you know what I leave for the naughty ones, don’t you? A lump of coal! Ho ho ho. No child has ever been naughty two years in a row.

So now you know my secrets. Just between us, okay?

Did you know I’m checking my list now? Looks like you’ve all been good this year, so you’ll be getting a nice visit from me while you sleep in your beds on Christmas Eve.

Merry Christmas, children! Ho ho ho!


senior scribes
senior scribes
County News Online

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