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The
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The Year that
Was
By Susan Olling
‘Tis the season to look back on the year that was. With your
indulgence, here are a few tongue-in-cheek awards to those who
made 2015 so, um, interesting. And gave me things to write about.
Cue the kazoo fanfare, and please hold your applause until the end.
The Overdone Gesture Resulting in the Fingernails-on-a-Blackboard Sound
Statuette—to that O-H-I-O formation tourists do at public places
where proper respect should be a given. It’s unoriginal, stale,
silly, and completely inappropriate. Please behave, and leave
this thing where it belongs: in Ohio. The Buckeye Nut U.
alumni magazine, unfortunately, encourages this nonsense by
including a picture submitted by alumni doing their O-H-I-O pose in
each issue. Enough already.
The Drama is Tiresome Tiara—to the U.S. House of Representatives.
This sorry bunch had known since the end of September that the
continuing resolution keeping the federal government open would expire
11 Dec. All they had to do was fill in the financial
blanks. Did that happen before 11 Dec? Is the Pope a
Presbyterian? After another short-term measure, the 435 children
finally did their job. On 17 Dec. You have nine months to
figure out how to get the 2017 budget done on time. Kudos to
three Virginia representatives, a Democrat and two Republicans, who
proposed re-introducing a bill that would have guaranteed back pay to
federal employees if the federal government had shut down.
The Traditions Aren’t Forever Goblet—to the powers-that-be at Buckeye
Nut U. How and why did jumping into Mirror Lake become part of
Ann Arbor Tech Week? End this tradition before next season.
Mirror Lake is not a swimming pool.
The What’s the Name Again Trophy—to the news outlets who refuse to use
the local NFL franchise’s nickname in print or on air. Sorry
folks, the owner’s adamant. His team is the Washington
Redskins. Your attempts to shame him are fruitless.
The Patience is Everything Plate—to locals who venture into the
nation’s capital between March and Labor Day. Enough said.
The Dictionaries Aren’t Doorstops Dinner Bell Medal—to writers who use
principlerather than principal to describe a certain school
administrator and capitol instead of capital to describe the cities of
Annapolis, Maryland or Washington, D.C., for example. Spellcheck will
not catch these errors.
The Rider, You Can Keep the Dime Commemorative Coin—to Metro.
Evidently due to declining ridership, the gang in charge of our little
subway system decided raising fares would not be a good idea right
now. Smart decision.
The Charlie on the MTA Memorial Bust—to the new general manager of
Metro. This gentleman has been out and about in our little subway
system listening to riders’ complaints. What a brave soul.
The Geography is Important Blue Ribbon—to those who persist in placing
Arlington National Cemetery, the Pentagon, and National Airport in
Washington, D.C. These sites are across the Potomac River.
In Virginia.
The Stale as Week-old Bread Prize—to writers and sportscasters who put
a team nickname in front of the word “nation”. The first time it
was used should have been the last. It’s so old now, it’s grown
mold.
The Here’s to the Almighty Dollar Trophy –to college football.
Too many undeserving teams are playing in too many meaningless bowl
games. Teams with four or more losses should be sitting at
home. Play the last game on New Year’s night and be done with it.
The Phoning for Pfennigs Figurine—to Buckeye Nut U. and Muncie
U. Why do we get phone calls from these two state-supported
schools? Mr. Buckeye Nut U. wasn’t given a chance to talk
long. Mr. History listened to a perky little voice use
“like” quite frequently. Wow, another extremely articulate
college student. No, Mr. History didn’t make an additional
financial contribution to Muncie U. And a big “thank you” to
University Circle Tech. That institution hasn’t called me for
money in years.
The Let’s Go with Bubblegum Pink Color Wheel Plaque—to school groups
who wear identical t-shirts in some retina-insulting color advertising
their trips to D.C. On the other hand, you are infinitely easier
to recognize and steer clear of. Unless we locals find ourselves
being overrun by you in the Metro system.
The Can You Tell Where We’ve Been Medallion—to the swarms of school
kids we see in places such as Williamsburg, VA who are wearing F.B.I.
baseball caps or Washington, D.C. anything.
Thank you, Mr. Robinson, for asking me to contribute my opinions.
Thanks to all who read these efforts. Hope they make you think,
or laugh, or something.
Happy New Year from the wilds of the D.C. suburbs.
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