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Broke Wife, Big City
Mad (Wo)Men
By Aprill Brandon
So, this past week I have been living in the 1960s. In all, its
booze-y, smoke-y, American Dream-y, white picket fence with 2.5 kids-y
glory.
Alas, it's all been vicarious living courtesy of one Mr. Stephen King
and one Mr. Jon Hamm. Still, the other day I caught myself saying
"Golly!" so it at least felt pretty real.
Yes, after devouring King's novel "11/22/63," which is all about a man
from 2011 traveling back in time in an effort to prevent Kennedy from
being assassinated, I’ve been watching the TV adaption of the book on
Hulu. Both are amazing, by the way, but what I love most about it is
the descriptions from that era. Like most people of my generation, in
our we're-all-hipsters-who-make-fun-of-hipsters-culture, I love any and
all things vintage (which is why we all download "vintage" camera apps
for our cell phones).
Granted, I've always considered myself more of a 1920s gal (flappers
were my icons, not Doris Day, who I've always kind of wanted to slap)
but King got me thinking that maybe I had dismissed idolizing the '50s
and early '60s too soon. This was especially evident when I also
started watching "Mad Men" on Netflix as well (only 1,000 years behind
everyone else!). And, yeah, sure, that whole "women getting back to the
kitchen" thing makes me want to stab an innocent apron to death. But
that time period does still has its charm.
Which is why I composed the following lists:
Reasons I think I could live in the 1960s
• Guys like Don Draper existed.
• Newspapers were thriving (not to mention, the delicious sound of
typewriters).
• Birthday parties for kids included booze. In fact, pretty much every
occasion called for booze. Including pregnancy.
• You could smoke anywhere. At any time. Without vegan health nuts
giving you the stink eye.
• TV sucked, which meant there was more time to do things like read...
or drink and smoke.
• Butter was a GOOD thing to eat.
• Everything moved slower and everything was an event. Even making a
telephone call was an event. One, because with those rotary phones, it
took nine minutes just to dial so you pretty much had to really commit
to it. Two, there was also the cord, which made it impossible to move
much beyond the kitchen or the living room or wherever the phone
happened to be. So there was none of that talking on your cell phone
while driving, putting on mascara and eating a cheeseburger all at
once.
• Vinyl records!
• It'd be another half a century before Crocs were invented.
Reasons why I couldn't live in the 1960s
• Guys like Don Draper existed.
• Racism, sexism and all the various other –isms.
• Job options for women consisted of: 1. Getting Coffee Then Slapped on
the Behind or 2. Housewife.
• You were expected to eat copious amounts of aspics. That's jellied
meat. JELLIED. MEAT.
• It was much more difficult to get your hands on porn.
• Bra technology was downright primitive.
• You couldn't automatically delete a bad photo of yourself and
immediately take 25 more photos until you got that one angle that made
you look 10 pounds slimmer.
• People actually said "Gee whiz!" without a hint of sarcasm. Hell, I'm
not even sure sarcasm existed back then.
• The inside of every house had that hideous fake wood paneling on the
walls and carpets that looked like they were made from murdered Muppets.
Hmm…yeah…no. Fun as it looks from way up here in 2016, I think I’ll
forgo any time travel for the time being. I mean, there’s currently an
app on my phone that lets me order meatball calzones at any time, day
or night, and I just can’t give that kind of miraculous technology up.
However, I am going to start a campaign to bring back the idea of
serving adults booze at kid’s birthday parties. There are some things
history got right that you just can’t improve upon.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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