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Answering Life’s Biggest Questions
School Shopping
By Abigail Fischer and Katie DeLand
Dear A+K:
August has arrived, and I can't hardly contain my excitement for school
to start. The only thing holding me back is actually
back-to-school shopping. It is awful. Any tips?
Sincerely,
Sick o' Shopping
Dear Shopper:
Leave it to the commercial world to ruin the ONE sport we actually
enjoy: shopping. Come August, we can't watch a simple CBS
drama without being taunted with back-to-school ads every commercial
break. We get it- the kids need scissors.
Times have definitely changed, that is fo' sho'. When WE went to
school (circa 1990), we remember scraping by with broken crayons and a
notebook with the first 40 pages torn out. Can we get an "Amen"
for digging out the paper waste from inside the metal spirals? That
task consumed all of first period. In 2016, our kids have much
different expectations: glitter pens, sequined binders and smelly
erasers. Are they going to third grade or the local night club?
Before you succumb to the pits of Walmart, you use rational logic and
financial prudence to figure out what you already have. This
requires you to open those backpacks that you neglected exactly three
months ago. This may also lead to the discovery of a moldy peanut
butter and jelly, so heads up. You soon realize that
collectively, you already have 5 pairs of Fiskar scissors, three
binders and 765 unsharpened pencils from all the holiday gift bags
throughout the year. However, your snobby children turn their
chins at the thought of re-using a dog-eared folder or smudged
eraser. Tears and drama. So much drama.
When you finally build the courage to go, you realize the rest of the
world has beaten you to it. Aisle 40 is a haz-mat zone.
Football folders flung across the floor, markers rolling every which
way and no coherent order to the calculators. You gasp in horror
at the thought of locating the special kind of pencils your
kindergartener needs in this sty, and decide to tackle the glue stick
requirement. No lie- there are three rows of options.
Various sizes of glue sticks, different colors of liquid glue, rubber
cement, super glue, etc. Memories flood in from sixth grade when you
covered your hands in Elmer, rubbed them together and picked off the
residue for your entire social studies class. There was no purple
sparkle or flower tint in that crap.
Despite the paper supply carnage surrounding you, the biggest factor in
all of this is your kids. They are hell-bent on making this experience
even worse than you could have imagined. Your daughter instantly
spots a Hello Kitty lunch box that she pledges her life on, even after
your remind her through clenched teeth that she got a new Elsa one
right before school ended in May. She suddenly has amnesia to the
promises that she made four months ago, when she told you that this
VERY conversation would never happen. Meanwhile, your son is
scavaging the pens for the most expensive pack. Why wouldn't a
ten-year old need an eight-pack of the soft-tipped neon gel kind?
You remind your rat pack that you are sticking to the school-issued
supply list, and they all become instant defense attorneys, justifying
their needs. "Jack had mechanical pencils last year, and he
didn't get in trouble." "Kristin's mom bought her the 5-color ink pen,
and the teacher said it was cool." Well, well, well- thank you
Jack and Kristin. Icing on the cake.
Our advice is simple: Amazon Prime.
Happy clicking!
A+K
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