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Answering Life’s Biggest Questions
Road Trippin'
By Abigail Fischer and Katie DeLand
Dear A+K:
We are gearing up for a road trip in the next few weeks, and I am
already having nightmares. Any tips on making a 15-hour trip bearable?
Sincerely,
Rabid Roadster
Dear Rabid:
First, fifteen hours? We love your ambition, but...are you
clinically insane? We recommend staying within a six-hour radius,
and even then, find some local amusement park that you can pretend is
Walt Disney World. If your kids grow suspicious, make up another
story about WDW's Chapter 11 Bankruptcy and buy them an enormous
slushie. 64 ounces of straight sugar will do the trick every time.
Moving on. Once upon a time, we used to see lone sneakers lying
in the highway median and really puzzle over them. And then we
took our first multi-hour roadtrip. Single shoes on the
Interstate now make much more sense- they are called collateral
damage. We're just relieved it was the StrideRite that was
forgotten on top of the roof and not the entire toddler.
Vacations always sounds amazinggggg in February. Five months
before take-off. And really, everyone is all beach balls and flip
flops up until the point of minivan entry. And then the sliding
door clicks shut, and you are looking at reality. Two hours in,
your kids have already watched the movie you thought they wouldn't get
to until at least Georgia, and your stash of snacks is alarmingly
low. Where are all of the fruit snacks going? Good news-
you will find out in 7 days, when you find them all stuck together in
the crevices of their car seats. Until then, you start barking
out sugar restrictions like a drill sergeant-- "NO MORE snacks for the
rest of the trip! If you are hungry, you can eat an apple!"
Your husband makes eye contact, and you realize that you will now have
to live up to this threat AND deal with the slimy, brown apple cores
that come with it.
Here are some general pieces of wisdom:
1. Redbox the crap out of your trip. Hunt those red
beauties down like a blood hound. Your kids will be captivated,
and you won't have to listen to one more rendition of "Let it Go."
2. Figure out all of your car's bells and whistles.
Inevitably, one of your kids is going to be ON FIRE while the baby
can't feel her toes. You know there is way for dual temperature
control, but while your careening off the side of Ol' Smokey doing 85
is not the time to figure that one out. Plus, as we've
discovered, you paid an astronomical amount of money for your
Mom-mobile for good reason--it really does have some great
features. If only you'd have taken notes during the sales
spiel....
3. Invest in some headphones. For them, not you, butttt now that
we are thinking about it.... This one will actually allow you to
THINK and talk to your co-pilot without shouting over animated movie
cartoons, your son's football app and your daughter's Movie-Star
make-up game.
4. Capitalize on sleep. When the kids zonk out all crooked
and crazy in their five-point harnesses, zoom on. If you start to
feel tired and look longingly at the hotel exit signs, think of the
work it will be to lug in 750 pounds of kid, luggage and blankies for a
mere 4 hours of shut-eye. Hit the roadside stop when the lines
start blurring together and park next to fellow minvan-goers.
Safety in numbers, because those places are creepy as heck.
5.. Never believe your GPS. Lies. All lies.
Somehow, your estimated arrival time keeps changing, and your short
little excursion up to Michigan is now totaling 87 hours. Even
the fun little travel apps that promise to alert you to traffic
incidents seem to play mind games with you. Just resign yourself
to at least 4 traffic jams, 5 unexpected potty breaks and one million
miles of construction.
6. Intermittent cleanings. Nothing puts us in worse moods
than driving around an absolute garbage truck. Stale French
fries, crumpled up cheeseburger wrappers, sweaty sneakers--these all
contribute to the awful smell that overpowers you everytime you buckle
pu after a gas fill-up. Keeping the Barbie accessories, DVDs and
Tonka trucks somewhat organized will also give you an inner zen and
prevent mid-trip meltdowns. If all else fails, you can always
consider chucking some shoes out the window...it's obviously been done
before.
Keep your eye on the prize and forge ahead. Safe travels!
Sincerely,
A+K
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