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Broke Wife, Big City
Today I will be
a good mom
By Aprill Brandon
Today I will be a good mom.
Today, when my 9-week-old baby wakes up screaming at 4 a.m., I will not
roll out of bed cursing under my breath like a sailor with Tourette’s.
I will not wake up looking like a swamp demon because I was too tired
the night before to take off my makeup. And I most definitely will not
rant to her as she poops all over my hand about how I bet Duchess Kate
doesn’t have to deal with this kind of crap with HER daughter.
No, today, I will wake up like friggin’ Cinderella, happy and chipper
and oozing peaceful serenity while tiny birds help me put on my robe. I
will be fresh-faced and wrinkle-free because of my elaborate nighttime
skin care routine I do every night without fail. And as I change her
diaper, I will sing a beautiful rendition of “Close To You” while
staring deeply into her eyes.
Because today I will be a good mom.
Today, when my toddler wakes up and eats two bites of his cereal before
pouring the rest of the bowl on his head while looking me dead in the
eye, I will not scream “are you freaking kidding me right now?” loud
enough for all the neighbors to hear. I will not then take him out to
the backyard and spray him down with the garden hose because I am too
lazy to give him a bath.
Oh no, today I will calmly and rationally explain to him why we don’t
do that and then I’ll have him help me clean up the mess. Then we will
have a bath-time that looks straight out of a Johnson-Johnson
commercial before we go out to the porch hand-in-hand to blow bubbles.
Oh yes, today, I will be a good mom.
Today, when my kid asks me for the 37th time if he can watch an episode
of “Little Einsteins,” I will not sigh and sarcastically say “all the
Einsteins died, you can never watch them again,” triggering an epic
tantrum.
Instead, I will tell him calmly for the 37th time that he cannot
because he’s already watched five episodes and too much TV rots the
brain. (And I should know. I’ve watched a thousand hours of “Shameless”
while breastfeeding his sister in the middle of the night and I can no
longer speak in full sentences).
Today, when the baby won’t stop crying even though she’s been changed,
fed, burped and rocked, I will not slink off to the kitchen, holding
her wailing body in one hand and stress eating an entire wheel of
cheese with my other. Today, when my son is yelling at me at the top of
his lungs because I won’t give him a cookie, I will not yell back at
him “WHY ARE YOU YELLING!?! STOP YELLING!” at the top of my lungs.
Today, no matter what, I will be a good mom.
Today on our walk, I will not lose my patience when he stops to pick up
every single leaf on the ground. In the middle of September. In New
England.
No, today, I will live in the moment! I will force myself to slow down
and marvel at the simple joys childhood brings! Even if those joys
means it takes two friggin’ hours to walk a fourth of a mile!
Today I will be the BEST MOM IN THE WORLD!!!
And then, today, when both kids are crying hysterically and the dog is
barking nonstop and dinner is burning on the stove and everyone is
hungry and both diapers are filled to bursting and I still have emails
to return and a deadline to meet and the house looks like it should be
on an episode of “Hoarders” and I haven’t peed since 6 a.m., I will not
belt out a primal scream while standing in the middle of the dining
room and then run and hide in the bathroom so I can cry hysterically in
private. I will not verbally assault my husband with a laundry list of
every single thing that drove me insane today as soon as his keys hit
the lock to the front door and he stands there bewildered, briefcase
hanging limply at his side. And I will not rush through the
oh-so-elaborate bedtime ritual that takes roughly 40 hours to complete
because if I have to be a mom for one more second I WILL DIE.
Oh no.
No.
Today I will be a good mom.
And tomorrow? Well, tomorrow everyone is grounded and I’m having wine
at lunch.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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