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Dealing with
stealing
By Melissa Martin
The following scenario illustrates what can happen when adults look the
other way and when a child lacks empathy and remorse, a sense of right
and wrong, and a moral compass.
Benson’s family was middle-class and he had lots of toys, clothes, the
latest video-games, and trendy gadgets. His family lived in a nice
house in a nice neighborhood. He went on vacations, played with other
kids, and liked sports. He wasn’t abused.
Benson took small toys that fit into his pocket from the homes of
relatives around the age of 3. His mother found these toys hidden when
she cleaned his room, but assumed the items came from grandparents,
aunts, uncles, and cousins. When he attended daycare he brought toys
home in his backpack, and told his mother he traded his toys to other
children.
In preschool his teachers caught him trying to hid bigger toys into his
backpack and talked with his parents. They accused the staff of picking
on Benson and transferred him to another school.
In first grade, Benson came home from school with extra coins in his
pockets. When questioned by his parents, Benson made up bogus reasons.
And his parents believed him.
When classmates accused Benson of stealing in elementary school, his
parents transferred him to a private school. Benson lied and said
teachers and classmates bullied him.
As Benson aged, his grandparents began to notice jewelry missing after
holiday events. And other family members noticed money would disappear
from purses. Instead of communicating, relatives hid jewelry, money,
and valuables during family get-togethers.
When Benson was caught stealing by his uncle when he was an adolescent,
he lied and his parents stopped attending family events. They blamed
others for picking on Benson.
When Benson started getting into trouble in high school, his mother
quit her job to home-schooled him. He was arrested for burglary in the
neighborhood. The family sold their house and moved to the
country.
When Benson and his parents returned to family functions, nobody
mentioned the stolen items. However, his grandparents found several of
their items in the downtown pawnshop because things went missing again.
But nobody said anything.
Benson was arrested when he was 17 years old with stolen credit cards
and checkbooks. His parents hired a high-priced attorney and
consequences were minimal.
Benson started hustling pool, gambling, and abusing alcohol. He pawned
his family’s electronics and his mother’s jewelry. His father retrieved
the pawned items, but gave him minimal consequences.
Benson went to prison for bank robbery at age 21. His parents blamed
the police officers, the judge, and the witnesses for framing their
son. They deposited money into his prison account because Benson
accused inmates of stealing from him.
Causes of Stealing
Children 3 and under take things that excite them. If I want it, then
it must be mine. If I have it, then it must be mine.Developmentally,
they don’t understand that stealing is wrong until adults tell them.
Stealing and lying are common in school-aged children and most outgrow
it. Around the ages of 5 to 7, a child learns to control impulses,
delay gratification, and respect the rights and property of others.
Children may take items from parents and relatives because they think
of it as community property. Kids are influenced by television
commercials and may steal popular toys to fit in with friends. However,
some children exhibit low impulse control and need more guidance. And
some children steal due to anger, jealousy, or revenge. Persistent
stealing may be a cry for attention.
Kleptomania, or compulsive stealing, is classified as an impulse
control disorder, but these individuals feel guilt and remorse after
being unable to resist urges. And they steal items they rarely use.
The child that steals habitually despite learning about trust, honesty,
and conscience, usually has a psychological problem.
Benson was well-fed, well-clothed, and well-loved—however his parents
did not establish boundaries, teach necessary life lessons, or provide
consequences. Benson’s grandparents took him to church every Sunday and
Vacation Bible School during summers, but keep silent about the
stealing behaviors as did the extended family.
Benson stole from family, classmates, and neighbors. He kept his deeds
hidden and did not brag to peers. His stealing occurred in tandem with
other antisocial behaviors. As a teen and young adult, he committed
crimes when alone.
What is the takeaway from this story? Parents and extended family need
to face problems instead of trying to keep the peace at any cost.
Dealing with stealing is imperative.
Melissa Martin, Ph.D, is an author, columnist, educator, and therapist.
She lives in Southern Ohio. www.melissamartinchildrensauthor.com.
Contact her at melissamcolumnist@gmail.com.
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