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Broke Wife, Big City
Everyone
deserves one thousand birthday hats
By Aprill Brandon
Here’s an interesting question you’ve probably never been asked before:
Did you know it was possible to be bad at celebrating?
Me neither.
And then I had kids.
My children are awful at celebrating. Just terrible. Holidays,
birthdays, anniversaries. They’re hopeless. They’re even bad at those
faux holidays like National Talk Like A Pirate Day (you should hear
their sorry excuse for a pirate accent).
I’m hoping it’s just their ages but it’s getting to the point that I’m
slightly worried this may turn into a permanent part of their
personalities.
Take this past Christmas, for example. First of all, I had to wake them
up. A baby and a 3-year-old. I woke THEM up. The only day of the year
their sleep-deprived mother would happily get up at 4 a.m. and they
decide it’s the only day of the year they want to sleep in. And then,
after every present they opened, they wanted to STOP and actually play
with that gift instead of ripping into all the other brightly wrapped
packages like demented honey badgers. You know, like the rest of us
red-blooded Americans do with our presents.
Before that was our anti-climatic Halloween. After getting candy at
maybe six houses, my oldest proclaims “ok, let’s go home now.” I mean,
who does that? A tiny human dressed like a Viking riding a dinosaur
apparently.
And don’t even get me started on Thanksgiving. Eight hours of cooking
only to have both of them eat a roll in under three minutes and ask
“can we have pie now?”
And those are the major events. They’re even worse at the holidays on
the JV squad.
On St. Patrick’s Day, they didn’t want to leave the house. My
red-headed children. On the holiest day of the year for redheads. Those
selfish un-fun offspring of mine also refused to wear the tiny
leprechaun outfits I bought them even AFTER I explained that Mommy and
Daddy might be able to score a free beer at a pub if they would just
play along.
Valentine’s Day? Forget it. Same with Easter. Last July, when my
youngest turned one, it’s like she didn’t even KNOW it was her
birthday. And neither could care less about the fact their mommy and
daddy will be celebrating eight years of marriage this month without
any attempted murder charges on either of their records (no small feat,
thank you very much).
It’s not entirely their fault, I suppose. I mean, children are
perpetually living in the present and feel they deserve cake at any
given moment. So, it’s understandable they just don’t “get” the big
deal about special days. (Whereas us adults are caught in a horrific
loop living between the past and the future, skipping the present
entirely, and feel guilty eating cake even if we do deserve it. Which
is probably why we do love holidays and birthdays so much. It forces us
to act like kids for a day.)
Plus, in all fairness, my youngest just figured out what an elbow was
so the intricacies of societal celebrations might be a bit above her
paygrade.
But next weekend will be the real test. My oldest will be turning
4-years-old. The first birthday he’ll probably remember and the first
that he gets to have opinions on.
So far, the outlook isn’t great seeing as how I’m currently more
excited than he is. Here is how our conversation about his birthday
plans went:
Me: What do you want for your birthday, baby?
Him: Oh, um, how about some presents?
Me: Sure. Yeah. Any specific ones?
Him: No. Just some presents.
Me: Awesome. That’s really helpful. What kind of cake do you want?
Him: Oh, um, how about carrots?
Me: Like, carrot cake?
Him: No.
Me: So, you want carrots instead of a birthday cake?
Him: No. I want cake.
Me: Well, that clears everything up. Anything else?
Him: I want a birthday hat.
Me: I WILL GET YOU A THOUSAND BIRTHDAY HATS.
I’m still determined though to make it the best birthday ever. Because
even if he may not get the big deal, I do. His life deserves to be
celebrated in a big, big way. Because he is amazing. Because he is
smart and wonderful and kind and funny. Because the world is a better
place with him in it. Because the beginning of his life marked one of
the greatest days of my life. And because every day since that first
day has only gotten better.
Now, does anyone know where I can buy a thousand birthday hats?
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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